As I have mentioned previously I lost my hair to chemo. I honestly NEVER cried at losing my hair as the reason behind it was to cure me. I bought pretty scarves and hats, bandanas. Every month i would go for my chemo partly hoping my bloods would be ok and it would go ahead and partly hoping it wouldnt. If it went ahead i knew I was in for a night in the bathroom. If it didnt then it dragged the treatment out for longer. I gritted my teeth and got on with it, God gave me my strength to cope with each day. Sure I did get days when I just sat in a heap and wondered what was going on, but these moments didnt happen that often. After the 4th dose of chemo I picked up an infection which made by blood neutrophils plummet, I was taken straight into hospital and received a blood transfusion. The blood seemed to take ages to arrive and when it finally arrived it turned out I am a rare blood group B positive. I laughed my head off as so many people who didnt know what else to say to me would say Be positive. When they would say it I'd think to myself "easy for them to say, I'm stood here with one boob and no hair" But God gave me a wicked sense of humour and this also helped carry me through.
I finished the chemo Christmasd 2007 and 2nd January 2008 I started my radiotherapy which i had every day for a month. As i laid on the table with all the eqipment hovering over me ready to Zap me I'd think of the scene in James Bond Goldfinger when Sean Connery was tied to the table. It made me smile anyway. When I finished my treatment in February 2008 I was exhausted and i was put on a hormone anti cancer drug called Tamoxifen which supresses the oestrogen in my body which feeds the type of cancer I had. My hair had started growing back and I needed a holiday. I was chatting with my Sister Louise and she said she would like to go away for a short break with me as we had never ever had a holiday together. Lou can't drive and I was too weak to take on the task so in the end our Hubbies came with us and we went to Mallorca. All our married lives Chris and I had holidayed in Great Britain as money was tight when the children were growing up. I found the Airport at Stanstead very stressful as I was searched quite aggressively when i set of the alarms. I had to remove my prostheses in front of queues of people. I felt so humiliated. I was stood there with the left side of my chest flat. I had to go into the ladies loo to put it back in place. By the time we went to the board the plane I suddenly fell against the wall and cowered down shouting I cant do this. But I did. In hind sight I think that it was too soon after my treatment and we should have gone somewhere closer to home.
By the end of 2008 I was at my lowest ebb. I felt so very sad and everybody expected me to be back to normal. I would never be the same again and felt angry that people seemed to have forgotten that I was still getting over Three major operations, chemo, radiotherapy plus all the emotional side of it. I didnt want to be treated like a special case but to have a bit more understanding. I was so very very tired and I'd get flippent comments like "it's your age" "its the weather" "I feel like that"
I withdrew from people. I couldnt behave how people wanted me to. A year earlier I had nearly died. We had been told that if id not had the blood transfusion when i did I would have died. Because I always acted chirpy people seemed not to notice. I stayed at home curled up in my own shell and people left me to it. close family and friends were there for me. Even some family members seemed to expect too much from me. The only person who was really there for me and understood me at that time was God. He was my shelter and my comfort. God was the one that kept me grounded. At the time I felt let down by people but now I know people didnt know what to say so just didnt bother. That hurt more than saying something hurtful.
By Sptember 2008 I was back to work but had to cut my hours down to half days as i was too exhausted to cope. November 2009 I started to wind down and feel unwell I underwent an MRI scan, CT scan, Bone Scan and in January 2010 a PET scan. Nothing showed but deep down I knew something wasnt right. In February 2010 I decided with much sadness to resign from my much loved job as a S.E.N 1-1 Teaching Assistant. It broke my heart to give up my job as I adored the children I worked with but I could no longer give them the energy they needed. They deserved more. I knew that God would have other plans for me. A great few months were to follow....
my hair is growing back at last.
I finished the chemo Christmasd 2007 and 2nd January 2008 I started my radiotherapy which i had every day for a month. As i laid on the table with all the eqipment hovering over me ready to Zap me I'd think of the scene in James Bond Goldfinger when Sean Connery was tied to the table. It made me smile anyway. When I finished my treatment in February 2008 I was exhausted and i was put on a hormone anti cancer drug called Tamoxifen which supresses the oestrogen in my body which feeds the type of cancer I had. My hair had started growing back and I needed a holiday. I was chatting with my Sister Louise and she said she would like to go away for a short break with me as we had never ever had a holiday together. Lou can't drive and I was too weak to take on the task so in the end our Hubbies came with us and we went to Mallorca. All our married lives Chris and I had holidayed in Great Britain as money was tight when the children were growing up. I found the Airport at Stanstead very stressful as I was searched quite aggressively when i set of the alarms. I had to remove my prostheses in front of queues of people. I felt so humiliated. I was stood there with the left side of my chest flat. I had to go into the ladies loo to put it back in place. By the time we went to the board the plane I suddenly fell against the wall and cowered down shouting I cant do this. But I did. In hind sight I think that it was too soon after my treatment and we should have gone somewhere closer to home.
By the end of 2008 I was at my lowest ebb. I felt so very sad and everybody expected me to be back to normal. I would never be the same again and felt angry that people seemed to have forgotten that I was still getting over Three major operations, chemo, radiotherapy plus all the emotional side of it. I didnt want to be treated like a special case but to have a bit more understanding. I was so very very tired and I'd get flippent comments like "it's your age" "its the weather" "I feel like that"
I withdrew from people. I couldnt behave how people wanted me to. A year earlier I had nearly died. We had been told that if id not had the blood transfusion when i did I would have died. Because I always acted chirpy people seemed not to notice. I stayed at home curled up in my own shell and people left me to it. close family and friends were there for me. Even some family members seemed to expect too much from me. The only person who was really there for me and understood me at that time was God. He was my shelter and my comfort. God was the one that kept me grounded. At the time I felt let down by people but now I know people didnt know what to say so just didnt bother. That hurt more than saying something hurtful.
By Sptember 2008 I was back to work but had to cut my hours down to half days as i was too exhausted to cope. November 2009 I started to wind down and feel unwell I underwent an MRI scan, CT scan, Bone Scan and in January 2010 a PET scan. Nothing showed but deep down I knew something wasnt right. In February 2010 I decided with much sadness to resign from my much loved job as a S.E.N 1-1 Teaching Assistant. It broke my heart to give up my job as I adored the children I worked with but I could no longer give them the energy they needed. They deserved more. I knew that God would have other plans for me. A great few months were to follow....
my hair is growing back at last.
No comments:
Post a Comment