29th October 2011

Well yesterday started cycle 6 of chemo. Part of me wants to take it as its slowing down the cancer in my liver and keeping me alive for a bit longer. Then the other part of me hates taking all those tablets. By the end of the two weeks I struggle to swallow the tablets.

Last night I woke suddenly with terrible bone pain in my left leg. I tried to get back to sleep but the pain got too much so I had to get downstairs for pain killers. Its really dificult at 3am trying to get down the stairs without waking the whole family. Every stair creaked, come to that every bone in my body creaked as well. The pain killers took a whileto work and I eventually got off to sleep about 4am.

I felt shattered when I woke but was determined not to waste the day as I spend all day during the week at home alone, so when Chris is off at weekends I like to make the most of our time together. I feel almost possessive with sharing my time with Chris because our time is so precious. We ended up going out for some retail therapy.

I was so tired that every step needed my mental concentraton. At times I felt like my feet were dragging and I could hear my every breath. When I tell people how tired I get I don't think they realize just how cancer and chemo tiredness feels. Its nothing like normal tiredness as it feels like your whole body is dissolving. Only those who have experenced this first hand or Doctors and nurses who work with cancer patients can even begin to appreciate the effort that goes into each waking hour.

I can no longer shop for as long as I used to, walk as fast or as far as I used to. When people walk at normal speed I feel as though I have to keep up with them and its so exhausting. I feel a nuisance if I have to tell people I can't walk that far or that fast. This is hard for somebody who used to walk so fast people had to struggle to keep up with ME! I can only manage a couple of shops before I need to rest a while. It's frustrating for me but I have had to learn to live with what life has thrown at me and rejoice that I can still go out.....