30th December 2011

Feeling quite crabby and grumpy as spent the afternoon at the hospital in orthapaedics having X-rays on both legs and pelvis to check surgery done earlier this year. The X-rays were to compare with those done a few months ago and to see if the cancer in the bones of that area has spread. The X-rays were painful as they lay me on each side on a special x-ray board and the edge of the board sat right across my thigh where the metal work is.

The news was good as the X-rays showed no new increase in legs from cancer. We told however that X-rays only show up large tumours and if i continue to get the pain that i would need a bone or MRI scan as they detect smaller tumours and cells.

Whilst I was waiting in limited space area for X-ray a woman with a young child came and sat right next to me to the point she was touching me. the little girl kept coughing and sneezing over me she was also scratching. then the mother asked the Nurse what chickenpox looked like as her daughter was covered. The nurse looked and said it could be chicken pox. At that point I mentioned to the nurse that I am on chemo and my immune system is still low. The nurse immediately took me to aother area to sit and wait. She the said to me that she couldnt't believe some people and couodnt believe that the woman had brought her child with a snotty cold and a rash into where there are vunerable patients.

I have pain where i had to lay on the hard table and x-ray boards. All my family are rejoicing that the cancer hasnt spread as far as they are able to tell. And I am in pain from the tests. At the moment I don't feel happy I feel fed up from being prodded and pulled around. I've had a whole year of it. This time last year I was rushed into hospital seriously ill and needed emergency surgery and spent New Years Eve in hospital and the following three weeks. Since then I've had two more major operations and chemo, not to mention the time spent in the Hospice to get the terrible pain under control.

I get days when I feel a bit low and it was during a time like this that somebody who I thought was a friend told me that by saying some of the things I was saying that I was trying to nullify their prayers for my perfect healing. Of course I want to live, I want to grow old with my Husband. I look on life as precious and not to be messed with. I just get days when I feel low from the terrible physical pain I have to endure. Its easy for somebody to judge how another is managing an illness, but I think so far I've managed this year pretty well. My family who don't all share my Faith get very hurt and cross by people who think its their right to judge how I am facing this. To ths person I would say, its not them who is holding me when im screaming from pain in the middle of the night, its not them who is comforting my kids from seeing me so ill, its not them who helps me out of bed each morning and some days help me get dressed. It IS BECAUSE of people like them that my family don't go to Church  Like I've said before God is our judge, not man, anybody who think they are more spiritual than another are standing in judgement and will be judged by God above.

27th December 2011

Had a wonderful Christmas with family, although was touched by sadness that Chris' Dad Donald wasn't with us this year. Christmas Eve we gathered at Mum's as usual because it would have been Dads birthday. Christmas Day My Parents, Chris' Mum, Chris' Sister and Nephew joined us four for the day. My Son James cooked us the most delicious Christmas dinner and everybody helped clear up afterwards. I was a lady of leisure. It was strange not to do anything on the day as I'm used to being in the kitchen.

Boxing Day: Had a restful day, woke at 11am when Chris brought my tablets and a cup of tea up to me. I got up and just rested by watching TV. Then at 11.30pm after we had gone to bed the bone pain started. Chris got me some painkillers and I tried to sleep but the pain just got worse so I got up and am writing on here. My little cat Lenny seems to know I'm in pain and has curled up on my lap exactly over where the worst of the pain is, meaning I have a living heat pad on my bones. I think animals are amazing the way they sense things. Another of Gods amazing creations.

22nd December 2011

Please forgive me for not haven written on here for a while. I've been extremely fatigued, also had bad tummy, it all started last Saturday night after we had been out for a meal. I had a few glasses of wine and thought that it was mixing the wine with the chemo but found out that the following day our friend also had felt a bit unwell and so am wondering if it was something I ate. I still have a bad tummy five days later.

The soles of my feet are so sore and blistered today and the tips of my fingers are dead and tender. I find little things difficult like taking the foil cap off the milk carton. The deadness in the fingers are caused by the chemo and are irriversable.

I have been told by my husband Chris that I am not allowed to do anything Christmas Day and that he and James and Sarah will take care of everything. It will be hard to sit back and watch as I have always done the cooking.

I have been watching people rushing around to make the perfect Christmas. For me seeing my family on the day will be perfect for me and I don't care about anything else. Being alive is everything.
I love my Husband and my kids James and Sarah very much.

6th December 2011

Sunday evening I was able to go and watch the world premier of the musical Birth of a King which my Daughter Sarah was in playing the part of Mary Mother of Jesus. The show was amazing and Sarah made us such proud parents with her amazing voice. We have seen Sarah perform in several amateur shows and have been blown away by her voice but she surpassed herself in this show singing like we have never heard her sing before. During her performace I cried. I cried for several reasons, 1) that I was so proud of her and hoped that she will one day make it to Londons West End stage. 2) wondering if she does make it will i be around to see her.

I was very tired when I got home and Monday had a job to keep my eyes open. Today Tuesday and i feel very fatigued and have some pain. I was unable to get out of bed until 11.30am. Every bone and joint felt stiff and the first pain was as i uncurled my fingers and stretched out my hands to lever myself up to a sitting position. Sitting up was an effort.

I am Blessed because I have family who love and care for me and know that I have a huge network of friends who are there as well.

3rd December 2011

Today Chris took me out for lunch then we went down to Bournemouth. I managed to walk for quite a way. Its the first time in 3 weeks that I've been able to go out for a walk without the wheelchair. I'm also very pleased with myself because Chris dropped me off at the Christian bookshop so he could go and park the car and I met up with him half an hour later. All of this year I've had to rely on others to take me out so now I'm quite scared to go out the house alone. So this small step was a huge achievment for me.

I bought a couple of Bibles to put into my future Grandchildrens memory boxes. It has been a tradition of mine that my Nephews and my close friend Angies children were given Bibles. Angie and Martin are my Childrens Godparents. If I am fortunate to live to see my precious Grandchildren then I will give them to them myself. My Faith has always been very important to me and is part of who I am so are important in letting future generations know who I am.

One of the things I get upset about is that when I die that I will not be part of my Grandchildrens lives. My hope is that they will be shown photos of me and that Chris, James and Sarah as well as rest of family and friends will talk to them about me and tell them just how much I would have loved them.

My wish is that my Family will not grieve so much that it stops them from living the precious life they have been given, but that they will remember the good times with me. It is right to grieve, to cry as these are emotions given to us by God. I believe holding emotion in, stiff upper lip approach is damaging to our physical being and comes out in other ailments. Also, no matter how much we might be hurting inside it is also okay to carry on living. This is not letting the loved one who has gone, down or forgetting them but carrying on with your life. This is okay. It's okay to carry on and enjoy life, there is no need to feel guilty for enjoying life. I have enjoyed what life I have been Blessed with and so should my loved ones. I wish to be remembered with laughter and smiles.

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1st December 2011

Well we are now in December. Everybody excited about Christmas. There are many who dread the festive season for many reasons. Christmas can be lonely for those without family and have to face Christmas on their own. Christmas can also be a reminder of loved ones no longer with us.

For me this year will be Special not just because I'm a Christian and rejoice in the birth of my Saviour Jesus, but because I don't know if I will be around for Christmas next year. We all tend to go about our lives planning a long way ahead and some of the time take for granted those that we love, often assuming they will always be with us. Life can be snuffed out in an instant or with some illnesses continue for months and even years.

My Mother-in-Law nursed my Father-in-Law for several years because he had dementia and parkinsons and was immobile. She had to do everything for him and did it with a great love and care. He sadly died a few days before Easter this year so this Christmas will be the first without him, especially hard as his birthday was Christmas Eve. We will all gather at Mums on Christmas Eve just like we always have and remember Dad.

Christmas Day I am hoping that my family will take lots of photos and I will remember the day with smiles and laughter. I will be honest I'm facing the day with some trepidation because I don't know how much of a future I have. I pray to God every day to heal me, to prolong my life. My life is in his hands and he will guide the medical staff who care for me. Each day I wake the FIRST thing I do is to Thank God with all my heart for another day. I hear people moan about little things like the weather and I rejoice that I am here to witness the weather whatever it may be doing.

So I ask all of you, next time you see a loved one tell them you love them, kiss them good bye as they leave the house because it may be the last chance. Next time you might moan about the cold or rainy weather just be glad that you are alive to experience it.

Most of all NEVER TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED! ENJOY EACH MOMENT.
LOVE LIFE.
God Bless. xxx