Sunday 27 November 2011
27th November 2011
Srange isn't it? Through life I have come upon many minor problems which at the time seemed huge and unable to cope with. Then in 2007 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, this was the biggest issue I'd ever had to deal with, but in fact I dealt with this crisis better than any of the minor problems that had gone before. Is the reason behind this that the other problems i could see a way of sorting through wheras this was out of my control so I simply accepted it. Strange how life is sometimes.
Thursday 24 November 2011
24th November 2011
I haven't been on here for a few days as on Monday this week I was taken into our local Hospice because I was in so much pain. After monitoring me for a few days and tweaking my drugs I am now back home again. A lot of people hear the word Hospice and think Death. Our Hospice helps people with incurable cancer sort out their pain. The staff are amazing, so caring, work extremely hard but always have time to let somebody cry on their shoulder. My pain Consultant is so lovely and I'm very Blessed to be treated by him. Today he sat with me for ages and just listened and hugged me when I cried. I told my hubbie that I believe my consultant was born to do the job he does.
I have promised to be honest so that I may help others whether it be other cancer sufferers or their families. This blog is worts an all.
Recently I have struggled with how my family are dealing with the situation. At home I have felt alone and when I have cried have needed a hug but have had to ask for one. The only emotion that has been shown has been occasional anger. I have completely got my head round things and what is happening to me but I get scared that my family don't. I often wonder "do they care?" "what is going through their minds?" my lovely hubbie Chris who I know adores me is a bloke and shows very little emotion and he has grown up sticking his headin the sand and taken on the attitude that if he doesn't think about a problem then it will go away. This problem will not go away and when im sad and need affection I am with somebody who views things differently. Believe it or not a warm hug (not the sweetie darling type) can have a huge effect on somebody who is seriously ill. No it won't change the situation but it just comforts the sufferer and lets them know you care. Don't need loads of words just a hug.
My kids I've no doubt are scared but they feel they can't talk to me about their fears because im the one going through it. I feel that I let them down as a Mum because I can't comfort them. (I know this isnt true but I feel it all the same) As a Mum I want to make everything alright for my kids even if they are all grown up..
It hurts when some people no longer contact me because they don't know what to say to me so they avoid me like I don't exist. I feel like shouting at them "I'M NOT DEAD YET!" I've always been honest about the illness and don't mind if people have questions. I realise that not everybody will deal with something like cancer as openly with me but I don't like it when some people treat me like a leper. They won't catch it, I will not drop dead in front of them, I don't go to pieces very often and its usually only with my close friends.
Even with my friends I have to choose who I cry to as some feel uncomfortable so I have learnt who to turn to when I have particular needs. One friend I laugh and joke with but doesnt know what to say when I cry (like I said before all I need is a hug) I can't always be expected to look on the bright side. Another friend will just hold me, listen to my fears, cry with me. Sometimes this friend will just hold me and say nothing but just hold me and allow me to cry. I have needed this support more and more recently. There are days when I can't tolerate loud noise, chatter, just peace and quiet and a shoulder to lean on. I know that God holds me spiritually and he loves me but sometimes I need a physical hug.
When I hurt I feel like my body will turn inside out with pain and grief. At these moments it helps if somebody can just gove me a hug because I can't hug myself and im scared I will burst with the physical and emotional pain.
So go and give somebody you know or love a hug, it will mean the world to them and who knows you may even find it beneficial yourself. xx
I have promised to be honest so that I may help others whether it be other cancer sufferers or their families. This blog is worts an all.
Recently I have struggled with how my family are dealing with the situation. At home I have felt alone and when I have cried have needed a hug but have had to ask for one. The only emotion that has been shown has been occasional anger. I have completely got my head round things and what is happening to me but I get scared that my family don't. I often wonder "do they care?" "what is going through their minds?" my lovely hubbie Chris who I know adores me is a bloke and shows very little emotion and he has grown up sticking his headin the sand and taken on the attitude that if he doesn't think about a problem then it will go away. This problem will not go away and when im sad and need affection I am with somebody who views things differently. Believe it or not a warm hug (not the sweetie darling type) can have a huge effect on somebody who is seriously ill. No it won't change the situation but it just comforts the sufferer and lets them know you care. Don't need loads of words just a hug.
My kids I've no doubt are scared but they feel they can't talk to me about their fears because im the one going through it. I feel that I let them down as a Mum because I can't comfort them. (I know this isnt true but I feel it all the same) As a Mum I want to make everything alright for my kids even if they are all grown up..
It hurts when some people no longer contact me because they don't know what to say to me so they avoid me like I don't exist. I feel like shouting at them "I'M NOT DEAD YET!" I've always been honest about the illness and don't mind if people have questions. I realise that not everybody will deal with something like cancer as openly with me but I don't like it when some people treat me like a leper. They won't catch it, I will not drop dead in front of them, I don't go to pieces very often and its usually only with my close friends.
Even with my friends I have to choose who I cry to as some feel uncomfortable so I have learnt who to turn to when I have particular needs. One friend I laugh and joke with but doesnt know what to say when I cry (like I said before all I need is a hug) I can't always be expected to look on the bright side. Another friend will just hold me, listen to my fears, cry with me. Sometimes this friend will just hold me and say nothing but just hold me and allow me to cry. I have needed this support more and more recently. There are days when I can't tolerate loud noise, chatter, just peace and quiet and a shoulder to lean on. I know that God holds me spiritually and he loves me but sometimes I need a physical hug.
When I hurt I feel like my body will turn inside out with pain and grief. At these moments it helps if somebody can just gove me a hug because I can't hug myself and im scared I will burst with the physical and emotional pain.
So go and give somebody you know or love a hug, it will mean the world to them and who knows you may even find it beneficial yourself. xx
Saturday 19 November 2011
19th November 2011
Yesterday I had to pick up my chemo tablets. I was so very tired. Then at 3.30am this morning I had excruciating pain in my left thigh and knee going down my shin. It was so bad it made me cry and rock back and forth. I had 3 soluble aspirins and 2 sevredol. It took ages for the pain to ease. Bone pain is awful as nothing seems to sooth it, if its muscle pain then a heat pad helps but when the pain is deep in the bones this does nothing. I slept through until 1pm this afternoon.
Chris took me down for a walk along Bournemouth Prom. Well actually he pushed me in the wheelchair. I hate going in the wheelchair as I have mentioned before I used to be a keen walker and could walk Chris out. I used to think nothing of a 10-12 mile walk. Now I barely get to the end of the drive. Oh how things have changed.
Yesterday whilst sat outside the cancer unit waiting for Chris to pick me up, an elderly man came and sat next to me and started chatting. He told me how his wife had died of cancer earlier this year and how he now has cancer in the neck. He enquired what cancer I had. He then said "Oh my dear, please can I give you a hug?" It was the nicest, well meant hug I'd had all week. Then Chris pulled up and I said goodbye. As I got into the car I turned to wave to the elderly man and felt so very blessed by his hug.
I had been feeling low and God brought this wonderful gentleman to give me a blessing, It warmed me no end. A hug can do wonders and can make somebody's day.
God is very Good to me.
:0
Chris took me down for a walk along Bournemouth Prom. Well actually he pushed me in the wheelchair. I hate going in the wheelchair as I have mentioned before I used to be a keen walker and could walk Chris out. I used to think nothing of a 10-12 mile walk. Now I barely get to the end of the drive. Oh how things have changed.
Yesterday whilst sat outside the cancer unit waiting for Chris to pick me up, an elderly man came and sat next to me and started chatting. He told me how his wife had died of cancer earlier this year and how he now has cancer in the neck. He enquired what cancer I had. He then said "Oh my dear, please can I give you a hug?" It was the nicest, well meant hug I'd had all week. Then Chris pulled up and I said goodbye. As I got into the car I turned to wave to the elderly man and felt so very blessed by his hug.
I had been feeling low and God brought this wonderful gentleman to give me a blessing, It warmed me no end. A hug can do wonders and can make somebody's day.
God is very Good to me.
:0
Tuesday 15 November 2011
15th November 2011
Well since my last blog I haven't felt too great. The fatigue has been awful, so much so that I haven't been waking up until 11.30am or Midday. Over the weekend my feet were so sore from the chemo that I could barely walk. For this reason when Chris took me out both Saturday and Sunday afternoons I had to be pushed in a wheelchair. I hate this as I feel like a fraud and feel guilty at Chris having to push me.
Today we saw my Oncologist and he said that the numb tingling sensation down my left and arm and leg are connected with the tumour and cancer in the bottom of my spine which is spreading round the left. I a to have a CT scan the middle of December 2011.
He is reducing my chemo doseage to try and help with the soreness in my feet. I start my 7th cycle this Friday. I then have two more doses which will see me into the New Year. Then depending what the scan shows up will depend on how much of a break from the chemo I get.
It's frustrating that I haven't got the energy to take myself out. I used to walk loads, walking was one of my hobbies and now I can barely walk around the Supermarket. In fact I haven't been able to get to do the weekly food shop in months. This little delight has been left to Chris. I miss being able to browse at the offers and see what I fancy eating. Small pleasures in life are the things which we take for granted but miss the most once they are gone.
Without my Faith I really don't think I could cope with what life has thrown at me. I respect everyone elses beliefs and I ask that they respect mine as it is what keeps me alive. God has been so very good to me and has comforted me in my times of distress. I have the comfort of knowing where I am going when my time ends here. I've had people ask me how I can believe in something I can't see. I say to them...I can't see the air unless it touches the trees but I believe it exists. When God touches people you can see he exists. I go to bed believing I will wake each day..how can I be sure? I believe, I have Faith, I have Hope, Without hope we are all done for. I believe without Faith there is no hope.
I have Faith and Hope therefore I am very Blessed indeed.
.. o
Today we saw my Oncologist and he said that the numb tingling sensation down my left and arm and leg are connected with the tumour and cancer in the bottom of my spine which is spreading round the left. I a to have a CT scan the middle of December 2011.
He is reducing my chemo doseage to try and help with the soreness in my feet. I start my 7th cycle this Friday. I then have two more doses which will see me into the New Year. Then depending what the scan shows up will depend on how much of a break from the chemo I get.
It's frustrating that I haven't got the energy to take myself out. I used to walk loads, walking was one of my hobbies and now I can barely walk around the Supermarket. In fact I haven't been able to get to do the weekly food shop in months. This little delight has been left to Chris. I miss being able to browse at the offers and see what I fancy eating. Small pleasures in life are the things which we take for granted but miss the most once they are gone.
Without my Faith I really don't think I could cope with what life has thrown at me. I respect everyone elses beliefs and I ask that they respect mine as it is what keeps me alive. God has been so very good to me and has comforted me in my times of distress. I have the comfort of knowing where I am going when my time ends here. I've had people ask me how I can believe in something I can't see. I say to them...I can't see the air unless it touches the trees but I believe it exists. When God touches people you can see he exists. I go to bed believing I will wake each day..how can I be sure? I believe, I have Faith, I have Hope, Without hope we are all done for. I believe without Faith there is no hope.
I have Faith and Hope therefore I am very Blessed indeed.
.. o
Wednesday 9 November 2011
9th November 2011
Woke at 10.45am this morning but felt less exhausted than I have done. However the soles of my feet are so very sore and hurt. This is a side effect of the chemo I'm on. So this morning I phoned the cancer unit who advised me to stop taking the tablets three days early. This will give me at least 10 days rest before starting cycle 7 at the end of next week.
I have one concern at finishing a few days early in that will the cancer in the liver start growing again? I have to put it into God's wonderful hands and know that he has it all in hand.
Chris has had to go away overnight. I'm quite nervous as it's the first time he has been away for work this year. Things have crossed my mind like...."what if I wake in the night in pain?" But then on the other hand my logical side has kicked in and tells me its just one night and I've been fine pain wise for a couple of weeks. Also if I take my pain killers up to bed with me then if I need them in the middle of the night I don't have to go downstairs. I will also take all my contact numbers with me as well.
I love Chris so much, he takes care of me so lovingly and never complains. Aside from taking care of me he works full time, and keeps the house running smooth. I am very Blessed. :)
I have one concern at finishing a few days early in that will the cancer in the liver start growing again? I have to put it into God's wonderful hands and know that he has it all in hand.
Chris has had to go away overnight. I'm quite nervous as it's the first time he has been away for work this year. Things have crossed my mind like...."what if I wake in the night in pain?" But then on the other hand my logical side has kicked in and tells me its just one night and I've been fine pain wise for a couple of weeks. Also if I take my pain killers up to bed with me then if I need them in the middle of the night I don't have to go downstairs. I will also take all my contact numbers with me as well.
I love Chris so much, he takes care of me so lovingly and never complains. Aside from taking care of me he works full time, and keeps the house running smooth. I am very Blessed. :)
Monday 7 November 2011
7th November 2011
I was awake until 5am this morning. I just couldn't sleep, lots going round in my head. I feel rubbish from the chemo as well as I'm now into my second week of taking my 6th dose. I've put this photo on here today not to depress people but to show you that I get days when I feel unwell and I want this blog to be real. Living with a serious illness is very tiring. No matter how hard I try to put on a brave face for family and friends and because of this I think sometimes they don't realise how the real Dee is feeling inside.
I am a Christian but that doesn't mean that I don't get bad days and admitting this doesn't mean I lack Faith either. Being a Christian is about being honest not only to others but to yourself as well. You can hide from people but never from God. He knows how I am feeling and today I have just let myself sink into his caring arms and rested.
Sunday 6 November 2011
6th November 2011
Had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I slept until 10.30am when Chris woke me with my meds. I laid in bed wondering when I die will I just go to sleep one night and not wake up? or will I have some time to say my goodbyes? Not something that had crossed my mind until today. I seem to be sleeping for longer and longer each day. What upsets me the most is that I may never get to see my Sisters again before I go as they both live abroad and so far away. It would cost them a lot of money to get here. So I'm just grateful I got to see them both in the Summer. I miss being able to just pick up the phone for a chat when I feel upset. Because of time differences this makes it difficult.
Sorry if this is'nt the happy blog like it usually is but thats the way it is. I can't always be bright and bubbly, I'm only human.Tonight I feel lower than Ive felt in a long time. I feel numb. Tonight I've worn myself out even more than i was already by crying my heart out. Today is one of those days when not only have I had to deal with whats happening here but other stuff as well. I can't cope with other stuff on top of this as its all too much. I need calm, rest, love and support.
Tonight I need God more than ever to pull me out of this abyss. If I am to get through this I need God more than ever. He keeps me going. Jesus is my Saviour. He is there for me always. My Alpha and Omega.
Sorry if this is'nt the happy blog like it usually is but thats the way it is. I can't always be bright and bubbly, I'm only human.Tonight I feel lower than Ive felt in a long time. I feel numb. Tonight I've worn myself out even more than i was already by crying my heart out. Today is one of those days when not only have I had to deal with whats happening here but other stuff as well. I can't cope with other stuff on top of this as its all too much. I need calm, rest, love and support.
Tonight I need God more than ever to pull me out of this abyss. If I am to get through this I need God more than ever. He keeps me going. Jesus is my Saviour. He is there for me always. My Alpha and Omega.
Friday 4 November 2011
4th November 2011
Have felt extremely fatigued over the past couple of days. Feel like my body is dissolving. But even though I've been unable to get outside the house Ive kept myself busy. I've started putting together the memory box for my future Grandkids. So far I've put in each box the books Tales of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter and When we were very young by A.A Milne. I've also started writing in the diaries telling them why these books are special to me. Also I've written memories of my primary school days adding pictures and drawing little pictures.
Some may see this as being negative and giving up hope of receiving a miracle. But I would say in response that I plan on being around to give my beautiful grandchildren the boxes myself. This is just in case I'm not. I want them to know the real Dee. So I'm writing a diary of my life for them.
Five years ago I never dreamt that I would be affected by cancer. Nobody ever does. It will never happen to me was my thought. The thought of losing my breast scared me and out of every illness was my biggest fear and it happened.
It was almost to much for me to take in. Who could I turn to? Who could I break down in front of? Family were dealing with their own shock. I felt so alone and so very afraid. Only God could I turn to, he understood in a way family and friends couldnt. I was strong because God was there for me. When I showed my pain people weren't sure how they should respond. I found Christians seemed to find it hardest of all. I used to get "Jesus still loves you" I knew this already and felt my Faith was being doubted. In actual fact they just didnt know what to say.
I needed so desperately to be held and allowed to cry but instead I felt that I had to be strong for my family and friends. I was ill, I am still ill. Surely I'm allowed to have times when i show my feelings. Im no longer strong enough to deal with how my family are dealing with it. Now is the time I really need their love and support. They are great to have a fabulous Husband and two gorgeous children. I'm very Blessed to have such wonderful parents, Two lovely Sisters whom I miss dreadfully as they both live abroad and there are times when I need a hug but know I can't get one. I am so grateful for my dear friends who step in when my sisters can't be here.
I love my Sisters so very much and I realise how difficult it is for them. I am nearly ten years older than my youngest sister and helped with them when they were growing up. Now it is me who needs their love and support. I can't do this wthout them, I know they can't be here in person but know they are here in spirit and I appreciate all their loving messages. Thank you Louise and Serena.
God Bless
Dee
Some may see this as being negative and giving up hope of receiving a miracle. But I would say in response that I plan on being around to give my beautiful grandchildren the boxes myself. This is just in case I'm not. I want them to know the real Dee. So I'm writing a diary of my life for them.
Five years ago I never dreamt that I would be affected by cancer. Nobody ever does. It will never happen to me was my thought. The thought of losing my breast scared me and out of every illness was my biggest fear and it happened.
It was almost to much for me to take in. Who could I turn to? Who could I break down in front of? Family were dealing with their own shock. I felt so alone and so very afraid. Only God could I turn to, he understood in a way family and friends couldnt. I was strong because God was there for me. When I showed my pain people weren't sure how they should respond. I found Christians seemed to find it hardest of all. I used to get "Jesus still loves you" I knew this already and felt my Faith was being doubted. In actual fact they just didnt know what to say.
I needed so desperately to be held and allowed to cry but instead I felt that I had to be strong for my family and friends. I was ill, I am still ill. Surely I'm allowed to have times when i show my feelings. Im no longer strong enough to deal with how my family are dealing with it. Now is the time I really need their love and support. They are great to have a fabulous Husband and two gorgeous children. I'm very Blessed to have such wonderful parents, Two lovely Sisters whom I miss dreadfully as they both live abroad and there are times when I need a hug but know I can't get one. I am so grateful for my dear friends who step in when my sisters can't be here.
I love my Sisters so very much and I realise how difficult it is for them. I am nearly ten years older than my youngest sister and helped with them when they were growing up. Now it is me who needs their love and support. I can't do this wthout them, I know they can't be here in person but know they are here in spirit and I appreciate all their loving messages. Thank you Louise and Serena.
God Bless
Dee
Tuesday 1 November 2011
1st November 2011
I've had a really good couple of days. Sunday I was able to get to Church which I was so pleased about as its been weeks since ive been able to get up in time. Then Monday I went out for a lovely lunch with my gorgeous Daughter Sarah. Spending time with my family is so precious and I like to spend every available minute with them.
Friends are also very precious as they are there when family can't be. I'm so very blessed to have so many many dear friends. The friends I've known for longest are my very dear friends Angie and Sarah. They have been my life savers over the past four years and have been there for us as a whole family. The feelings I have for them can never be fully expressed other than they mean the whole world to me.
I am fortunate to have a HUGE circle of friends who help to keep my spirits up and encourage me when I get low days. Each one of these people are a major part of my life whether they realise it or not.
So todays blog is dedicated to all the people in my life, whether it be on line or in person.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
God Bless you all xx
Friends are also very precious as they are there when family can't be. I'm so very blessed to have so many many dear friends. The friends I've known for longest are my very dear friends Angie and Sarah. They have been my life savers over the past four years and have been there for us as a whole family. The feelings I have for them can never be fully expressed other than they mean the whole world to me.
I am fortunate to have a HUGE circle of friends who help to keep my spirits up and encourage me when I get low days. Each one of these people are a major part of my life whether they realise it or not.
So todays blog is dedicated to all the people in my life, whether it be on line or in person.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
God Bless you all xx
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