Well yesterday started cycle 6 of chemo. Part of me wants to take it as its slowing down the cancer in my liver and keeping me alive for a bit longer. Then the other part of me hates taking all those tablets. By the end of the two weeks I struggle to swallow the tablets.
Last night I woke suddenly with terrible bone pain in my left leg. I tried to get back to sleep but the pain got too much so I had to get downstairs for pain killers. Its really dificult at 3am trying to get down the stairs without waking the whole family. Every stair creaked, come to that every bone in my body creaked as well. The pain killers took a whileto work and I eventually got off to sleep about 4am.
I felt shattered when I woke but was determined not to waste the day as I spend all day during the week at home alone, so when Chris is off at weekends I like to make the most of our time together. I feel almost possessive with sharing my time with Chris because our time is so precious. We ended up going out for some retail therapy.
I was so tired that every step needed my mental concentraton. At times I felt like my feet were dragging and I could hear my every breath. When I tell people how tired I get I don't think they realize just how cancer and chemo tiredness feels. Its nothing like normal tiredness as it feels like your whole body is dissolving. Only those who have experenced this first hand or Doctors and nurses who work with cancer patients can even begin to appreciate the effort that goes into each waking hour.
I can no longer shop for as long as I used to, walk as fast or as far as I used to. When people walk at normal speed I feel as though I have to keep up with them and its so exhausting. I feel a nuisance if I have to tell people I can't walk that far or that fast. This is hard for somebody who used to walk so fast people had to struggle to keep up with ME! I can only manage a couple of shops before I need to rest a while. It's frustrating for me but I have had to learn to live with what life has thrown at me and rejoice that I can still go out.....
Saturday 29 October 2011
Thursday 27 October 2011
27th October 2011
Well I havent been on here for a few days as I've been suffering from extreme fatigue. yesterday I couldn't even get dressed so had a duvet day. Every movement was an effort, even lifting my hand to hold my drink.
This morning I had to go for my pre chemo blood test. my veins aren't very good anymore and so it took two attempts to get blood. I was still able to laugh and joke whilst the poor nurse drew my blood.
Last night my Son had a tummy bug and so we are worried about me catching it as my immune system is not good. I know it sounds awful but you become a bit paranoid when you know that even a slight cold could actually land me in hospital seriously ill as the chemo wipes out the ability to fight anything.
So today we have been going round the house spraying door handles and surfaces with anti bacterial sprays. To give an idea of how serious it would be for me, Four years ago when I was on chemo I picked up an infection and was rushed into hospital and needed two blood transfusions and actually nearly died.
I'm not looking forward to starting cycle 6 of chemo as it means swallowing an extra 6 tablets on top of the 8 that I take already with my breakfast. Then another 6 at teatime. (I have pain killers mid afternoon, plus 8 at bed time) By the time I reach the end of the chemo course I struggle to swallow the tablets so I have to remind myself that they are slowing down the cancer in my liver and keeping me alive longer. This means longer time with my Husband, kids, family and friends.
I have people asking me how I keep going but when faced with a serious situation you have to decide whether to sink to your knees and let it envelop your whole life, or you say thank you God and make the most of what you have. Whilst you are wallowing you are wasting precious time.
When you face death it makes you look at life. family, friends and the love they all bring are so important and it's important to avoid stress as this can bring you down physically. The Daily Mail a couple of weeks ago said that scientists have found that those on chemo who have Faith actually do a lot better than those who have no belief. I know that I can honestly say that for me this has proven to be true.
Everybody needs something or somebody to believe in, everybody needs hope and for me this has been God. :0
This morning I had to go for my pre chemo blood test. my veins aren't very good anymore and so it took two attempts to get blood. I was still able to laugh and joke whilst the poor nurse drew my blood.
Last night my Son had a tummy bug and so we are worried about me catching it as my immune system is not good. I know it sounds awful but you become a bit paranoid when you know that even a slight cold could actually land me in hospital seriously ill as the chemo wipes out the ability to fight anything.
So today we have been going round the house spraying door handles and surfaces with anti bacterial sprays. To give an idea of how serious it would be for me, Four years ago when I was on chemo I picked up an infection and was rushed into hospital and needed two blood transfusions and actually nearly died.
I'm not looking forward to starting cycle 6 of chemo as it means swallowing an extra 6 tablets on top of the 8 that I take already with my breakfast. Then another 6 at teatime. (I have pain killers mid afternoon, plus 8 at bed time) By the time I reach the end of the chemo course I struggle to swallow the tablets so I have to remind myself that they are slowing down the cancer in my liver and keeping me alive longer. This means longer time with my Husband, kids, family and friends.
I have people asking me how I keep going but when faced with a serious situation you have to decide whether to sink to your knees and let it envelop your whole life, or you say thank you God and make the most of what you have. Whilst you are wallowing you are wasting precious time.
When you face death it makes you look at life. family, friends and the love they all bring are so important and it's important to avoid stress as this can bring you down physically. The Daily Mail a couple of weeks ago said that scientists have found that those on chemo who have Faith actually do a lot better than those who have no belief. I know that I can honestly say that for me this has proven to be true.
Everybody needs something or somebody to believe in, everybody needs hope and for me this has been God. :0
Thursday 20 October 2011
20th October 2011
Last night I decided on a plan. I am going to buy a couple of boxes and start putting things in it for my future grandchildren who I might never get to meet. I am going to fill the boxes with items which will give the grandkids an idea of who I am, my likes, dislikes e.t.c. I will put in a couple of my favourite DVDs, CD's. books which have inspired me, books which I love. I will also make a scrapbook with pictures of my favourite TV programnes, favourite colours, my thoughts etc.
I want it to be a treasure trove of memories. I don't fear much but one of those fears is that I will have beautiful Grandchildren and they will never know their Nanny Bayliss. Not just photos of what I look like but of the person inside as well. Chris my hubbie has suggested that we also make a video diary of me as well.
I get moments when I feel sad that I might never get to hold a gorgeous baby and touch their little fingers and toes and feel the pride of a Grandmother. Never get to spoil them. So this will be my way of spoiling them even if I can't be with them physically. I thought I'd fill it with all the things I would give them if I was here.
All too often we go through life taking things for granted. I am still praying that I will live to see both my beautiful kids settle down one day. Pray that I will get to cuddle my gorgeous Grandchildren (Oh yes I know already they will be beautiful) Most of all pray that I will grow old with my wonderful Husband Chris. We have already been married 26 years so I'm praying we will get to celebrate our 50th. All things are possible with God and I truely believe this so am hanging onto that.
I want it to be a treasure trove of memories. I don't fear much but one of those fears is that I will have beautiful Grandchildren and they will never know their Nanny Bayliss. Not just photos of what I look like but of the person inside as well. Chris my hubbie has suggested that we also make a video diary of me as well.
I get moments when I feel sad that I might never get to hold a gorgeous baby and touch their little fingers and toes and feel the pride of a Grandmother. Never get to spoil them. So this will be my way of spoiling them even if I can't be with them physically. I thought I'd fill it with all the things I would give them if I was here.
All too often we go through life taking things for granted. I am still praying that I will live to see both my beautiful kids settle down one day. Pray that I will get to cuddle my gorgeous Grandchildren (Oh yes I know already they will be beautiful) Most of all pray that I will grow old with my wonderful Husband Chris. We have already been married 26 years so I'm praying we will get to celebrate our 50th. All things are possible with God and I truely believe this so am hanging onto that.
Monday 17 October 2011
17th October 2011
Well nothing to exciting for the past few days. Over the weekend felt tired so apart from going out for lunch Saturday I rested. Sunday (yesterday) I didn't even wake up until 10.45am. It took me another half hour to unstiffen my bones, get myself showered and dressed. When I wake up the first thing I have to do is stretch my hands because they stiffen overnight and I wake to claw like hands which I then have to painfully stretch out. The next step is to put my hand up behind me to grab hold my headboard to haul myself over onto my side so that I can gradually sit up. When I stand up initially I have to walk slightly tip toed across to the bathroom as the bones in my feet hurt.
I can no longer physically get into a bath because of all the surgery on my breast it hurts to push myself up with my arms. To start with I would roll over onto my knees to stand up, but since the operations on both my legs this is no longer possible. So I have a bathboard over my bath which I sit on to swivel my legs into the bath, then stand to shower, then do reverse to get out.
Some mornings when I've showered I feel so exhausted and hurt that for a few moments I sit on the bath board and have a brief pity moment. Then I remind myself I can't sit there all day and get myself sorted. Putting my socks on is hilarious....No honestly! I can't bend my legs enough to reach so I put my foot onto the bottom stair lean and sort of lassoo the end of my sock onto my toes, then grab the end of the sock and do a very small hop to pull it up. I have considered getting one of those hooks which would help but then what would be the fun in that? I get out of breath, dance around on one foot sometimes say a word which God covers his ears for. This is probably my main exercise for the day, and when my family are around their main entertainment. If they took me to a fairground I'd clear the hoopla stand..lol
Certainly I get mornings when all this gets on my nerves but on the whole I've learnt to adapt with my life as it is. What's the alternative? Isn't it amazing how humans have things happen to them and yet they have coping mechanisms which kick in to enable them to manage.
Humour and the ability to laugh when times are rough is probably one of the greatest coping mechanism of all. No! it doen't change the situation but it sure makes life more bearable.
I can no longer physically get into a bath because of all the surgery on my breast it hurts to push myself up with my arms. To start with I would roll over onto my knees to stand up, but since the operations on both my legs this is no longer possible. So I have a bathboard over my bath which I sit on to swivel my legs into the bath, then stand to shower, then do reverse to get out.
Some mornings when I've showered I feel so exhausted and hurt that for a few moments I sit on the bath board and have a brief pity moment. Then I remind myself I can't sit there all day and get myself sorted. Putting my socks on is hilarious....No honestly! I can't bend my legs enough to reach so I put my foot onto the bottom stair lean and sort of lassoo the end of my sock onto my toes, then grab the end of the sock and do a very small hop to pull it up. I have considered getting one of those hooks which would help but then what would be the fun in that? I get out of breath, dance around on one foot sometimes say a word which God covers his ears for. This is probably my main exercise for the day, and when my family are around their main entertainment. If they took me to a fairground I'd clear the hoopla stand..lol
Certainly I get mornings when all this gets on my nerves but on the whole I've learnt to adapt with my life as it is. What's the alternative? Isn't it amazing how humans have things happen to them and yet they have coping mechanisms which kick in to enable them to manage.
Humour and the ability to laugh when times are rough is probably one of the greatest coping mechanism of all. No! it doen't change the situation but it sure makes life more bearable.
Friday 14 October 2011
14th October 2011
This morning I went out for a coffee with three of my good friends. Had a lovely time and lots of giggles, we all share a common link...Breast cancer. It is good to spend time in the company of ladies who are going through or have been through the same illness. No matter how much a family member or a friend tries to understand how you are feeling only somebody who has "been there" themselves can fully appreciate the feelings you might be having.
I get moments where I want to just sit down and give up, moments when I think I'm having a bad dream and will eventually wake up but then realize it's all real. Moments when I feel angry or other moments when i just sit down and cry. Who do I cry to? who can I burden? In the past when I've cried people have not known how to react so they will say "Be positive" I've tried opening up my feelings to family but this was not the best thing to do as when I cry they are upset and then when i get angry they take it personally. When I get angry it's at the cancer not at the person. So now I know that the only people I can really talk to are those who have been through it themselves, my Macmillan nurse and of course God.
Sometimes I sit on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands needing a hug but after chatting to God and having a hug from him, I say to myself "right that's your pity party over, now pick yourself up and make the most of your time."
Living with cancer for me is not about moping about but for rejoicing in life each day. It's also about being around people who lift your spirits and who you can laugh as well as cry with. I lack energy so what precious energy I have got I want to use to live to the full. Which means laughter, laughter and more laughter.....
I get moments where I want to just sit down and give up, moments when I think I'm having a bad dream and will eventually wake up but then realize it's all real. Moments when I feel angry or other moments when i just sit down and cry. Who do I cry to? who can I burden? In the past when I've cried people have not known how to react so they will say "Be positive" I've tried opening up my feelings to family but this was not the best thing to do as when I cry they are upset and then when i get angry they take it personally. When I get angry it's at the cancer not at the person. So now I know that the only people I can really talk to are those who have been through it themselves, my Macmillan nurse and of course God.
Sometimes I sit on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands needing a hug but after chatting to God and having a hug from him, I say to myself "right that's your pity party over, now pick yourself up and make the most of your time."
Living with cancer for me is not about moping about but for rejoicing in life each day. It's also about being around people who lift your spirits and who you can laugh as well as cry with. I lack energy so what precious energy I have got I want to use to live to the full. Which means laughter, laughter and more laughter.....
Thursday 13 October 2011
13th October 2011
I didn't get to do a blog yesterday. My dear friend Angie took me on a Spa day. Because I have cancer in the bones I wasn't allowed massages, facials or use the jacuzzi. So we took a dip in the swimming pool. (I can't swim so I clung to the side) It's the first time I've been in a pool since all my leg surgery and they felt strange in the water, especially when i got out of the water my legs suddenly felt so heavy. I wonder if this is because in the water the weight of the metal work was taken away.
Anyway we then got dressed and put a bit of make up on then went for our manicures. It was lovely and was followed by lunch.
By the time I got home I was so tired and went to bed feeling pain and slightly queasy. By 9pm I was so exhausted I barely had strength to move my head off the pillow. I watched some TV to try and take my mind off things.
I felt tired physically and emotionally. Tuesdays trip to hospital had taken its toll and I was emotionally drained from other events the same day. I try so hard to stay strong and I think sometimes people are so used to me being strong that they forget that inside I have a constant battle to stay like that. I get upset when I think of all the things I will miss when I've gone. I will miss special events with my family. Will i ever get to see my Children marry? will I ever get to hold a grandchild in my arms? It's upsetting when I think that future events will happen without me. God is so very good to me and keeps me strong but I'm human and get scared, angry and sad at times.
I am very Blessed to have not only family but wonderful friends as well who love me loads. My family don't all live near me so my friends are there for me a lot during the bad times. They hold me when I'm in pain and cry with me.
God has given love in all sorts of forms. Family can't always be there so God sent friends to step in. I have many wonderful friends and for this I Praise God as there are a lot of times when they keep me going.
Cancer can be lonely, dying can be even lonelier. I am eternally grateful to God that he has made it that I am certainly not lonely.
Anyway we then got dressed and put a bit of make up on then went for our manicures. It was lovely and was followed by lunch.
By the time I got home I was so tired and went to bed feeling pain and slightly queasy. By 9pm I was so exhausted I barely had strength to move my head off the pillow. I watched some TV to try and take my mind off things.
I felt tired physically and emotionally. Tuesdays trip to hospital had taken its toll and I was emotionally drained from other events the same day. I try so hard to stay strong and I think sometimes people are so used to me being strong that they forget that inside I have a constant battle to stay like that. I get upset when I think of all the things I will miss when I've gone. I will miss special events with my family. Will i ever get to see my Children marry? will I ever get to hold a grandchild in my arms? It's upsetting when I think that future events will happen without me. God is so very good to me and keeps me strong but I'm human and get scared, angry and sad at times.
I am very Blessed to have not only family but wonderful friends as well who love me loads. My family don't all live near me so my friends are there for me a lot during the bad times. They hold me when I'm in pain and cry with me.
God has given love in all sorts of forms. Family can't always be there so God sent friends to step in. I have many wonderful friends and for this I Praise God as there are a lot of times when they keep me going.
Cancer can be lonely, dying can be even lonelier. I am eternally grateful to God that he has made it that I am certainly not lonely.
Tuesday 11 October 2011
11th October 2011
What a day today! I phoned my cancer unit to get results of a urine speciman which was done on Friday as they thought I may have an infection. I mentioned to them that i also had a bit of a weak bladder. My consultant phoned me back to say he was arranging an urgent MRI scan for my spine as he was worried about possible spinal cord compression. moments later I had a call to go in and take an overnight bag as depending on the results they might keep me in.
I phoned my dear friend Sarah and asked her to get a prayer chain going. Phoned Mum then my other dear friend Angie as she had booked a spa day for us both tomorrow. This had been my birthday present from her in August. I thought "What lousey timing"
I was quite nervous as the last thing i want is problems with my spinal cord. I went in and was immediately laid flat and log rolled when they moved me to the scanning table. The results showed that the cancer had spread in my spinal area but not spinal cord. We were obviously pleased about the spinal cord but unhappy that the cancer has got worse. But peoples prayers had been answered and the main worry had not happened.
After my scan I was wheeled back to the cancer ward where I was greeted by nurses that have cared for me all year and so a lot of laughing took place today whilst we caught up on news from the last few months.
I may have cancer but God has blessed me with many wonderful friends and contacts who fill my life with laughter when I need it. God has given me long arms in which to love people. I love my family dearly but have so much room for others. When we are born we are given the ability to give so much love to so many people. Love is something if you give it away.....give it away.....give it away....Its just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any, Go ahead and give somebody a hug today. :0
I phoned my dear friend Sarah and asked her to get a prayer chain going. Phoned Mum then my other dear friend Angie as she had booked a spa day for us both tomorrow. This had been my birthday present from her in August. I thought "What lousey timing"
I was quite nervous as the last thing i want is problems with my spinal cord. I went in and was immediately laid flat and log rolled when they moved me to the scanning table. The results showed that the cancer had spread in my spinal area but not spinal cord. We were obviously pleased about the spinal cord but unhappy that the cancer has got worse. But peoples prayers had been answered and the main worry had not happened.
After my scan I was wheeled back to the cancer ward where I was greeted by nurses that have cared for me all year and so a lot of laughing took place today whilst we caught up on news from the last few months.
I may have cancer but God has blessed me with many wonderful friends and contacts who fill my life with laughter when I need it. God has given me long arms in which to love people. I love my family dearly but have so much room for others. When we are born we are given the ability to give so much love to so many people. Love is something if you give it away.....give it away.....give it away....Its just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any, Go ahead and give somebody a hug today. :0
Monday 10 October 2011
10th October 2011
All of last evening I was in excruciating pain around my lower back where the tumour is and in the hips, pelvis and legs where the bone cancer is. I didn't know whether to sit or stand. I sat and rocked. I'd then get up and drag my body up and down the louge leaning on my stick. I wanted a hug in the hope that it would take the pain away. I wanted to speak to my younger Sisters but they live far away in Canada and Dubai and so contact is not that often. I wanted to scream at somebody without them taking it personally because I'm not screaming at them but the cancer, but even family fail to understand this at times. I took maximum pain killers but they did very little to help. I warmed up some heat pads which helped a little. in the end I went to bed and awoke at 8.30am for Chris my hubbie to give me my pain meds, then I slept again until almost 11am. I then took my chemo meds.
By 2pm I felt a bit better and was able to get myself showered. I very rarely stay in my pyjamas because it makes me feel better to get dressed. The sun is shining today and its wonderful weather for October and this cheered me up a bit. One of the most annoying sayings though is when I'm in so much pain that i cant even stand and somebody will say "At least the sun is shining" Trust me when the pain is so bad I don't notice what the weather is doing but as i start to feel better it helps to see the sun.
Pain is strange because you adapt to different pain levels. What was extremely painful to me a few years ago is now tolerable because my pain is so much more severe. Does anybody else know what I mean? I think it's amazing at how much the human body can stand. When I look back at what my body has gone through I can't believe it, I've had numerous operations and so many toxic drugs pumped into me and my body as restored itself each time. This is a wonderful testament to God who created us. Every part of our body right down to cells invisable to human eyes seem to work furiously to keep us going. No human being could ever design something so wonderfully brilliant.
I still live in hope that God will perform the ultimate miracle of healing me completely. I am in his hands,,
By 2pm I felt a bit better and was able to get myself showered. I very rarely stay in my pyjamas because it makes me feel better to get dressed. The sun is shining today and its wonderful weather for October and this cheered me up a bit. One of the most annoying sayings though is when I'm in so much pain that i cant even stand and somebody will say "At least the sun is shining" Trust me when the pain is so bad I don't notice what the weather is doing but as i start to feel better it helps to see the sun.
Pain is strange because you adapt to different pain levels. What was extremely painful to me a few years ago is now tolerable because my pain is so much more severe. Does anybody else know what I mean? I think it's amazing at how much the human body can stand. When I look back at what my body has gone through I can't believe it, I've had numerous operations and so many toxic drugs pumped into me and my body as restored itself each time. This is a wonderful testament to God who created us. Every part of our body right down to cells invisable to human eyes seem to work furiously to keep us going. No human being could ever design something so wonderfully brilliant.
I still live in hope that God will perform the ultimate miracle of healing me completely. I am in his hands,,
Sunday 9 October 2011
9th October 2011
Well ive got my blog going but I've no idea what I'm doing or even if others will be able to see it. I will be learning as I go along.
Yesterday I had a wonderful afternoon shopping with my friend sarah. I did however have terrible pain in my left leg by the end of the trip and slept right through until 10.30am this morning. I'm completely exhausted and even getting up was an effort. I had hoped to get to Church this morning as I havent been in ages because I've not been well enough but it wasnt to be today. I know that God will not be cross with me.
The chemo affects my taste buds and I never know what I fancy to eat or drink from day to day. Some days I can drink coffee, other days I can't bear it. I'm on Capecitabine tablets and take 6 twice a day which bumps up my medication (including my pain meds) to 29 tablets a day. If I was able to jump up and down I'd rattle.
Emotionally today I'm ok just very tired. These blogs are not meant to depress people but to give people a better understanding of what it is like to live daily with constant pain. My life certainly isnt depressing I won't allow it to be. When I finally go from this earth I don't want people to say that I succumbed to cancer because it evil and doesnt deserve that much glory. I want people to think "God has released me from pain, he has finished decorating my room in Heaven.
Yesterday I had a wonderful afternoon shopping with my friend sarah. I did however have terrible pain in my left leg by the end of the trip and slept right through until 10.30am this morning. I'm completely exhausted and even getting up was an effort. I had hoped to get to Church this morning as I havent been in ages because I've not been well enough but it wasnt to be today. I know that God will not be cross with me.
The chemo affects my taste buds and I never know what I fancy to eat or drink from day to day. Some days I can drink coffee, other days I can't bear it. I'm on Capecitabine tablets and take 6 twice a day which bumps up my medication (including my pain meds) to 29 tablets a day. If I was able to jump up and down I'd rattle.
Emotionally today I'm ok just very tired. These blogs are not meant to depress people but to give people a better understanding of what it is like to live daily with constant pain. My life certainly isnt depressing I won't allow it to be. When I finally go from this earth I don't want people to say that I succumbed to cancer because it evil and doesnt deserve that much glory. I want people to think "God has released me from pain, he has finished decorating my room in Heaven.
December 30th 2010 I woke with terrible pain my leg and a strange sensation in my spine. My Oncology nurse visited and said i needed to go into hospital. When we got to the cancer centre they immediately laid me flat as they were concerned about the tumour in my spine and the top of my neck. It was excruciatingly painful to lay flat. They rushed me through for an urgent MRI scan. I asked Chris to contact my family and to contact my Minister because I knew that I needed lots of prayers sent up.
The scan showed a problem with my disc but more worrying was the state of my left leg which the cancer was merrily munching through. I thought "how rude? I didnt give it permission" I was booked in for emergency surgery. New Years Eve I was in hospital but the nurses brought round a sherry at midnight and i sipped it through a straw. I joked with the other ladies on my ward "Shall we go out or shall we stay in tonight?" When the nurses came round I told them to throw all our drugs in a bucket so we could "paaaaarrrrrtay" The nurses were amazing and the humour flying around the cancer ward was unbelievable. A week after my surgery I was very ill and could feel my life slipping from me. A blood transfusion was ordered. Another fantastic person donated their blood to keep me alive. As the Doctor and staff nurse were putting my blood transfusion up another nurse was sat by my side, holding my hand as i slipped in and out of conciousness. She dialled my Ministers number so he could pray for me over the phone. I remember Ben's voice but cant remember the conversation. All I know is that a total peace fell over the whole ward.
I went from using a wheelchair, to using a Zimmer frame. I was in hiospital for nearly 3 weeks. When I left I was wheeled out in a wheelchair wearing a cardboard sick bowl on my head which i had coloured flowers and pictures onto. The doctors and nurses came to give me a kiss before i left.
February 2011 just a few weeks after leaving hospital I woke in terrible pain and an ambulance was called. They x-rayed me and when they were satisfied i hadnt broken any bones I was transferred to the Forest Holme Hospice. I spent a week in their extremely good hands whilst they got my pain meds under control.
March 2011 I had terrible pain in my back so was admitted to hospital again laying flat, being log rolled and having nurses holding me on a bed pan was so humiliating but the nurses did a fantastic job. After a week I then had an operation on a disc in my back.
May 2011 I went to an orthapaedics appointment they were checking on my op i had done in January. They x-rayed my right leg and the bomb shell was broken that the right leg was now so badly diseased that it break at anytime and they needed me in the following week to put metal rods in to strengthen it. I cried because I had entered Race For Life which was 3 weeks away. The Consultant told me i'd be in hospital for at least 2 weeks.
I had the operation and joked with the anaesthesist that I wanted a good single malt and not the blended stuff. To which he replied that this ws the NHS. The surgeon came out of the theatre to find out what all the laughing was about.
The day after my op I was out of bed and walking around the bed using a frame. By teatime on the same day i was getting myself to the toilet. When the physio came 2 days after the op she brought me a pair of elbow crutches and I insisted on going up and down the stairs. That same day the consultant walked down the corridor and came face to face with me walking. He was visably shocked and when i asked when i could go home he said as soon as I could manage stairs. When I told him i had he said I could go home just 2 days after major surgery to my legs.
A week before race for life I was told that cancer had now progressed to my liver and that I now needed chemo but this time it would be tablet form over a longer period of time as my body wasnt strong enouigh to cope with intrevenously.
Two weeks after my leg surgery I was taking part in Race For Life. I had to agree to be pushed around a lot of the course in a wheelchair. I walked the last 400metres over the finish line. I was very honoured to be asked by Cancer Research to speak on the stage before the race. I felt so blessed that so many ladies give up their time to raise huge amounts of money towards research into all cancers. This was personal because these ladies were helping me as well.
My lovely friend had contacted the TV presenter Nick Knowles' secretary and he sent me a signed postcard of himself on Race For Life Day. A few days after Race For Life he phoned me up and I chatted to him for 20 minutes and 2 seconds. He is such a lovely man.
I am currently still on chemo. It is now October 2011. The chemo makes me feel extremely fatigued but I am one lucky lady because God has performed a miracle. I am still here in spite of everything. I will never give in to cancer... When my time comes it won't be because cancer has got me but because God has finished decorating my room......
26/06/11
The scan showed a problem with my disc but more worrying was the state of my left leg which the cancer was merrily munching through. I thought "how rude? I didnt give it permission" I was booked in for emergency surgery. New Years Eve I was in hospital but the nurses brought round a sherry at midnight and i sipped it through a straw. I joked with the other ladies on my ward "Shall we go out or shall we stay in tonight?" When the nurses came round I told them to throw all our drugs in a bucket so we could "paaaaarrrrrtay" The nurses were amazing and the humour flying around the cancer ward was unbelievable. A week after my surgery I was very ill and could feel my life slipping from me. A blood transfusion was ordered. Another fantastic person donated their blood to keep me alive. As the Doctor and staff nurse were putting my blood transfusion up another nurse was sat by my side, holding my hand as i slipped in and out of conciousness. She dialled my Ministers number so he could pray for me over the phone. I remember Ben's voice but cant remember the conversation. All I know is that a total peace fell over the whole ward.
I went from using a wheelchair, to using a Zimmer frame. I was in hiospital for nearly 3 weeks. When I left I was wheeled out in a wheelchair wearing a cardboard sick bowl on my head which i had coloured flowers and pictures onto. The doctors and nurses came to give me a kiss before i left.
February 2011 just a few weeks after leaving hospital I woke in terrible pain and an ambulance was called. They x-rayed me and when they were satisfied i hadnt broken any bones I was transferred to the Forest Holme Hospice. I spent a week in their extremely good hands whilst they got my pain meds under control.
March 2011 I had terrible pain in my back so was admitted to hospital again laying flat, being log rolled and having nurses holding me on a bed pan was so humiliating but the nurses did a fantastic job. After a week I then had an operation on a disc in my back.
May 2011 I went to an orthapaedics appointment they were checking on my op i had done in January. They x-rayed my right leg and the bomb shell was broken that the right leg was now so badly diseased that it break at anytime and they needed me in the following week to put metal rods in to strengthen it. I cried because I had entered Race For Life which was 3 weeks away. The Consultant told me i'd be in hospital for at least 2 weeks.
I had the operation and joked with the anaesthesist that I wanted a good single malt and not the blended stuff. To which he replied that this ws the NHS. The surgeon came out of the theatre to find out what all the laughing was about.
The day after my op I was out of bed and walking around the bed using a frame. By teatime on the same day i was getting myself to the toilet. When the physio came 2 days after the op she brought me a pair of elbow crutches and I insisted on going up and down the stairs. That same day the consultant walked down the corridor and came face to face with me walking. He was visably shocked and when i asked when i could go home he said as soon as I could manage stairs. When I told him i had he said I could go home just 2 days after major surgery to my legs.
A week before race for life I was told that cancer had now progressed to my liver and that I now needed chemo but this time it would be tablet form over a longer period of time as my body wasnt strong enouigh to cope with intrevenously.
Two weeks after my leg surgery I was taking part in Race For Life. I had to agree to be pushed around a lot of the course in a wheelchair. I walked the last 400metres over the finish line. I was very honoured to be asked by Cancer Research to speak on the stage before the race. I felt so blessed that so many ladies give up their time to raise huge amounts of money towards research into all cancers. This was personal because these ladies were helping me as well.
My lovely friend had contacted the TV presenter Nick Knowles' secretary and he sent me a signed postcard of himself on Race For Life Day. A few days after Race For Life he phoned me up and I chatted to him for 20 minutes and 2 seconds. He is such a lovely man.
I am currently still on chemo. It is now October 2011. The chemo makes me feel extremely fatigued but I am one lucky lady because God has performed a miracle. I am still here in spite of everything. I will never give in to cancer... When my time comes it won't be because cancer has got me but because God has finished decorating my room......
26/06/11 2010 what a year that was going to be. I gave up my much loved job in February 2010. In April Chris and I went to stay in a family members place in Nerja, Southern Spain. We drove to Gatwick, parked our car then flew out with Easy Jet to Malaga airport. We had a wonderful time....then the Thursday brought the most unexpected news. "A Volcano in Iceland has erupted and a lot of flights are being grounded because of the ash cloud. We were due to fly back on the Saturday. Each day we went down to the intenet cafe to check latest details with easy jet. We met many of the same people each day. When it came to the point where we would have to make other arrangements to get home we queued outside the tiny little travel agents in Nerja. Stood behind us was a lovely family in the same predicament as us and we got chatting. We managed to get a bus ticket from Malaga all the way to London Victoria. The following Wednesday we turned up at Malagas bus station and it was complete mayhem. People waving tickets trying to find where their bus was. We bumped into the same family who we had met days earlier. Chris told me to get on the bus whilst he put the cases in the back. I edged onto the bus to discover the people in front of me were saying there are no more seats go back but i couldnt move because there were more people trying to get on behind me. At that point I could hear screaming, then I realised it was me...I was having a full blown panic attack. It cleared the bus anyway. I got off the bus and sat on the floor shaking and crying and tired. Chris then found the bus for us and Jonathan and his family got on the same bus and we had the most memorable journey back to London. They sat behind us and were wonderful com[any.
In May 2010 Chris and I went to our favourite hotel in Cala Bona, Mallorca and had a wonderful week. Then in June I went on my biggest adventure of all time. Chris took me up to Heathrow Airport and I flew the 9.5 hour flight to Vancouver, Canada to stay a whole month with my youngest Sister Serena and Nephew Noah who had emigrated there earlier in the year. I loved the Canadian way of life and had an amazing time. Whilst I was there I noticed a small hard lump on my reconstructed boob. First of all I thought it was some sort of insect bite. I even went as far to blame Serenas poor dog saying it was flea bite.
When I got back I mentioned it to my Lymphoedema nurse as my left arm was quite swollen. She suggested I see my consultant as it might be causing the Lymphoedema. My Consultant said in the November that he would remove it under general anaesthetic so he could see what was going on underneath. He didnt expect anything sinister and said he would ring me with the results. The day he was due to ring me his secretary phoned me saying that the consultant needed to see me that day. I thought oh blow knowing my luck something has laid its eggs or something.
We sat in his room and thats when the blow came....."I'm so sorry but it wasnt an insect bite but cancer" He then sent me for a CT scan and a bone scan. The evening of the bone scan at 6.30pm my consultant phoned me and said "I'm sorry to have to tell you over the phone but you have significant disease in your hips, a tumour at the base of spine and also at the top. you also have a spot on your lung. you will need an urgent x-ray tomorrow as i think you will need surgery to strengthen your left leg." A couple of my friends happened to be with me who I had grown close to through us all having breast cancer. They just held me and wept with me.
The following day I had the x-ray and to my delight it didnt need an urgent operation so I praised God and looked forward to Christmas. We had a wonderful Christmas.
Heritage Park, Mission, 1/07/10
In May 2010 Chris and I went to our favourite hotel in Cala Bona, Mallorca and had a wonderful week. Then in June I went on my biggest adventure of all time. Chris took me up to Heathrow Airport and I flew the 9.5 hour flight to Vancouver, Canada to stay a whole month with my youngest Sister Serena and Nephew Noah who had emigrated there earlier in the year. I loved the Canadian way of life and had an amazing time. Whilst I was there I noticed a small hard lump on my reconstructed boob. First of all I thought it was some sort of insect bite. I even went as far to blame Serenas poor dog saying it was flea bite.
When I got back I mentioned it to my Lymphoedema nurse as my left arm was quite swollen. She suggested I see my consultant as it might be causing the Lymphoedema. My Consultant said in the November that he would remove it under general anaesthetic so he could see what was going on underneath. He didnt expect anything sinister and said he would ring me with the results. The day he was due to ring me his secretary phoned me saying that the consultant needed to see me that day. I thought oh blow knowing my luck something has laid its eggs or something.
We sat in his room and thats when the blow came....."I'm so sorry but it wasnt an insect bite but cancer" He then sent me for a CT scan and a bone scan. The evening of the bone scan at 6.30pm my consultant phoned me and said "I'm sorry to have to tell you over the phone but you have significant disease in your hips, a tumour at the base of spine and also at the top. you also have a spot on your lung. you will need an urgent x-ray tomorrow as i think you will need surgery to strengthen your left leg." A couple of my friends happened to be with me who I had grown close to through us all having breast cancer. They just held me and wept with me.
The following day I had the x-ray and to my delight it didnt need an urgent operation so I praised God and looked forward to Christmas. We had a wonderful Christmas.
Heritage Park, Mission, 1/07/10As I have mentioned previously I lost my hair to chemo. I honestly NEVER cried at losing my hair as the reason behind it was to cure me. I bought pretty scarves and hats, bandanas. Every month i would go for my chemo partly hoping my bloods would be ok and it would go ahead and partly hoping it wouldnt. If it went ahead i knew I was in for a night in the bathroom. If it didnt then it dragged the treatment out for longer. I gritted my teeth and got on with it, God gave me my strength to cope with each day. Sure I did get days when I just sat in a heap and wondered what was going on, but these moments didnt happen that often. After the 4th dose of chemo I picked up an infection which made by blood neutrophils plummet, I was taken straight into hospital and received a blood transfusion. The blood seemed to take ages to arrive and when it finally arrived it turned out I am a rare blood group B positive. I laughed my head off as so many people who didnt know what else to say to me would say Be positive. When they would say it I'd think to myself "easy for them to say, I'm stood here with one boob and no hair" But God gave me a wicked sense of humour and this also helped carry me through.
I finished the chemo Christmasd 2007 and 2nd January 2008 I started my radiotherapy which i had every day for a month. As i laid on the table with all the eqipment hovering over me ready to Zap me I'd think of the scene in James Bond Goldfinger when Sean Connery was tied to the table. It made me smile anyway. When I finished my treatment in February 2008 I was exhausted and i was put on a hormone anti cancer drug called Tamoxifen which supresses the oestrogen in my body which feeds the type of cancer I had. My hair had started growing back and I needed a holiday. I was chatting with my Sister Louise and she said she would like to go away for a short break with me as we had never ever had a holiday together. Lou can't drive and I was too weak to take on the task so in the end our Hubbies came with us and we went to Mallorca. All our married lives Chris and I had holidayed in Great Britain as money was tight when the children were growing up. I found the Airport at Stanstead very stressful as I was searched quite aggressively when i set of the alarms. I had to remove my prostheses in front of queues of people. I felt so humiliated. I was stood there with the left side of my chest flat. I had to go into the ladies loo to put it back in place. By the time we went to the board the plane I suddenly fell against the wall and cowered down shouting I cant do this. But I did. In hind sight I think that it was too soon after my treatment and we should have gone somewhere closer to home.
By the end of 2008 I was at my lowest ebb. I felt so very sad and everybody expected me to be back to normal. I would never be the same again and felt angry that people seemed to have forgotten that I was still getting over Three major operations, chemo, radiotherapy plus all the emotional side of it. I didnt want to be treated like a special case but to have a bit more understanding. I was so very very tired and I'd get flippent comments like "it's your age" "its the weather" "I feel like that"
I withdrew from people. I couldnt behave how people wanted me to. A year earlier I had nearly died. We had been told that if id not had the blood transfusion when i did I would have died. Because I always acted chirpy people seemed not to notice. I stayed at home curled up in my own shell and people left me to it. close family and friends were there for me. Even some family members seemed to expect too much from me. The only person who was really there for me and understood me at that time was God. He was my shelter and my comfort. God was the one that kept me grounded. At the time I felt let down by people but now I know people didnt know what to say so just didnt bother. That hurt more than saying something hurtful.
By Sptember 2008 I was back to work but had to cut my hours down to half days as i was too exhausted to cope. November 2009 I started to wind down and feel unwell I underwent an MRI scan, CT scan, Bone Scan and in January 2010 a PET scan. Nothing showed but deep down I knew something wasnt right. In February 2010 I decided with much sadness to resign from my much loved job as a S.E.N 1-1 Teaching Assistant. It broke my heart to give up my job as I adored the children I worked with but I could no longer give them the energy they needed. They deserved more. I knew that God would have other plans for me. A great few months were to follow....
my hair is growing back at last.
I finished the chemo Christmasd 2007 and 2nd January 2008 I started my radiotherapy which i had every day for a month. As i laid on the table with all the eqipment hovering over me ready to Zap me I'd think of the scene in James Bond Goldfinger when Sean Connery was tied to the table. It made me smile anyway. When I finished my treatment in February 2008 I was exhausted and i was put on a hormone anti cancer drug called Tamoxifen which supresses the oestrogen in my body which feeds the type of cancer I had. My hair had started growing back and I needed a holiday. I was chatting with my Sister Louise and she said she would like to go away for a short break with me as we had never ever had a holiday together. Lou can't drive and I was too weak to take on the task so in the end our Hubbies came with us and we went to Mallorca. All our married lives Chris and I had holidayed in Great Britain as money was tight when the children were growing up. I found the Airport at Stanstead very stressful as I was searched quite aggressively when i set of the alarms. I had to remove my prostheses in front of queues of people. I felt so humiliated. I was stood there with the left side of my chest flat. I had to go into the ladies loo to put it back in place. By the time we went to the board the plane I suddenly fell against the wall and cowered down shouting I cant do this. But I did. In hind sight I think that it was too soon after my treatment and we should have gone somewhere closer to home.
By the end of 2008 I was at my lowest ebb. I felt so very sad and everybody expected me to be back to normal. I would never be the same again and felt angry that people seemed to have forgotten that I was still getting over Three major operations, chemo, radiotherapy plus all the emotional side of it. I didnt want to be treated like a special case but to have a bit more understanding. I was so very very tired and I'd get flippent comments like "it's your age" "its the weather" "I feel like that"
I withdrew from people. I couldnt behave how people wanted me to. A year earlier I had nearly died. We had been told that if id not had the blood transfusion when i did I would have died. Because I always acted chirpy people seemed not to notice. I stayed at home curled up in my own shell and people left me to it. close family and friends were there for me. Even some family members seemed to expect too much from me. The only person who was really there for me and understood me at that time was God. He was my shelter and my comfort. God was the one that kept me grounded. At the time I felt let down by people but now I know people didnt know what to say so just didnt bother. That hurt more than saying something hurtful.
By Sptember 2008 I was back to work but had to cut my hours down to half days as i was too exhausted to cope. November 2009 I started to wind down and feel unwell I underwent an MRI scan, CT scan, Bone Scan and in January 2010 a PET scan. Nothing showed but deep down I knew something wasnt right. In February 2010 I decided with much sadness to resign from my much loved job as a S.E.N 1-1 Teaching Assistant. It broke my heart to give up my job as I adored the children I worked with but I could no longer give them the energy they needed. They deserved more. I knew that God would have other plans for me. A great few months were to follow....
my hair is growing back at last."Im afraid the lump is cancerous" these were the dreaded words I heard on 4th May 2007 at 6.15pm. First I felt sick then the sick feeling went back down to make my tummy bad. I immediately turned to my husband Chris and put my hand on his leg and asked him if he was ok. We were then told that it would be ok as the consultant would do a lumpectomy and check the lymph nodes. I immediately went home and told everybody as I didnt want anybody to feel too awkward to speak to me in case they wondered if they should know. I came round from the lumpectomy feeling like id been hit by a bat. I was told that the op had gone well and some lymph nodes had been removed. A couple of weeks later the histology report showed that not all the cancer had been caught so i had to have another op to take a clear margin. A week later we were told that i needed a mastectomy. I cried for a while then thought at least i will still be alive. God was very good and as i lay in the anaesthetic room i looked at the ceiling thinking i should be crying but i couldnt. God had given me an inner peace. When I came round from the operation I immediately looked under the covers. Yes they had taken the correct one. Back on the ward i joked with the nurses that i was entering X-factor calling myself one tit wonder and sing boobie nights and boobie wonderland. A week after id got home it hit me and i cried and nearly turned myself inside out with grief. I had lost a piece of myself, a piece of me as a woman. People told me i was so brave and looked so well but inside i was an emotional wreck and at times felt quite angry that people seemed to take so lightly. This was my boob which had been taken off me and people wanted me to act normal.
In July 2007 I started chemo. I had to have a hickman line inserted into my chest to administer my chemo as my veins were so bad. My first chemo and as i sat waiting i had text after text from work friends wishing me well. I expected to feel something as the toxic drug entered my body but it just felt cold. I then had a strange taste with one of the chemo drugs. I was on a three combination called F.E.C. That night i felt very unwell and the night nurses had to come and inject me with anti sickness drugs. A couple of weeks later my hair started falling out in my food and face creams, so I asked my dear friend Sarah who is a hairdresser if she would shave it all off. We sat in her kitchen with a glass of wine and laughed and cried. When i went home my daughter Sarah said "Mum you are gorgeous just like G.I Jane" I decided not to wear a wig as everybody knew i had lost my hair to chemo so would know it was a wig. Instead i embraced the baldness as a good thing. The cancer didnt make me bald it was the drugs which are killing the cancer which did it, so surely thats a positive note? I embraced life to the full and loved God and felt his closeness like never before. this wasnt just a walk through cancer, this was a walk with God.
never upset your hairdresser
In July 2007 I started chemo. I had to have a hickman line inserted into my chest to administer my chemo as my veins were so bad. My first chemo and as i sat waiting i had text after text from work friends wishing me well. I expected to feel something as the toxic drug entered my body but it just felt cold. I then had a strange taste with one of the chemo drugs. I was on a three combination called F.E.C. That night i felt very unwell and the night nurses had to come and inject me with anti sickness drugs. A couple of weeks later my hair started falling out in my food and face creams, so I asked my dear friend Sarah who is a hairdresser if she would shave it all off. We sat in her kitchen with a glass of wine and laughed and cried. When i went home my daughter Sarah said "Mum you are gorgeous just like G.I Jane" I decided not to wear a wig as everybody knew i had lost my hair to chemo so would know it was a wig. Instead i embraced the baldness as a good thing. The cancer didnt make me bald it was the drugs which are killing the cancer which did it, so surely thats a positive note? I embraced life to the full and loved God and felt his closeness like never before. this wasnt just a walk through cancer, this was a walk with God.
never upset your hairdresser
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