4th November 2011

Have felt extremely fatigued over the past couple of days. Feel like my body is dissolving. But even though I've been unable to get outside the house Ive kept myself busy. I've started putting together the memory box for my future Grandkids. So far I've put in each box the books Tales of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter and When we were very young by A.A Milne. I've also started writing in the diaries telling them why these books are special to me. Also I've written memories of my primary school days adding pictures and drawing little pictures.

Some may see this as being negative and giving up hope of receiving a miracle. But I would say in response that I plan on being around to give my beautiful grandchildren the boxes myself. This is just in case I'm not. I want them to know the real Dee. So I'm writing a diary of my life for them.

Five years ago I never dreamt that I would be affected by cancer. Nobody ever does. It will never happen to me was my thought. The thought of losing my breast scared me and out of every illness was my biggest fear and it happened.

It was almost to much for me to take in. Who could I turn to? Who could I break down in front of? Family were dealing with their own shock. I felt so alone and so very afraid. Only God could I turn to, he understood in a way family and friends couldnt. I was strong because God was there for me. When I showed my pain people weren't sure how they should respond. I found Christians seemed to find it hardest of all. I used to get "Jesus still loves you" I knew this already and felt my Faith was being doubted. In actual fact they just didnt know what to say.

I needed so desperately to be held and allowed to cry but instead I felt that I had to be strong for my family and friends. I was ill, I am still ill. Surely I'm allowed to have times when i show my feelings. Im no longer strong enough to deal with how my family are dealing with it. Now is the time I really need their love and support. They are great to have a fabulous Husband and two gorgeous children. I'm very Blessed to have such wonderful parents, Two lovely Sisters whom I miss dreadfully as they both live abroad and there are times when I need a hug but know I can't get one. I am so grateful for my dear friends who step in when my sisters can't be here.

I love my Sisters so very much and I realise how difficult it is for them. I am nearly ten years older than my youngest sister and helped with them when they were growing up. Now it is me who needs their love and support. I can't do this wthout them, I know they can't be here in person but know they are here in spirit and I appreciate all their loving messages. Thank you Louise and Serena.

God Bless
Dee