I haven't been on here for a few days as on Monday this week I was taken into our local Hospice because I was in so much pain. After monitoring me for a few days and tweaking my drugs I am now back home again. A lot of people hear the word Hospice and think Death. Our Hospice helps people with incurable cancer sort out their pain. The staff are amazing, so caring, work extremely hard but always have time to let somebody cry on their shoulder. My pain Consultant is so lovely and I'm very Blessed to be treated by him. Today he sat with me for ages and just listened and hugged me when I cried. I told my hubbie that I believe my consultant was born to do the job he does.
I have promised to be honest so that I may help others whether it be other cancer sufferers or their families. This blog is worts an all.
Recently I have struggled with how my family are dealing with the situation. At home I have felt alone and when I have cried have needed a hug but have had to ask for one. The only emotion that has been shown has been occasional anger. I have completely got my head round things and what is happening to me but I get scared that my family don't. I often wonder "do they care?" "what is going through their minds?" my lovely hubbie Chris who I know adores me is a bloke and shows very little emotion and he has grown up sticking his headin the sand and taken on the attitude that if he doesn't think about a problem then it will go away. This problem will not go away and when im sad and need affection I am with somebody who views things differently. Believe it or not a warm hug (not the sweetie darling type) can have a huge effect on somebody who is seriously ill. No it won't change the situation but it just comforts the sufferer and lets them know you care. Don't need loads of words just a hug.
My kids I've no doubt are scared but they feel they can't talk to me about their fears because im the one going through it. I feel that I let them down as a Mum because I can't comfort them. (I know this isnt true but I feel it all the same) As a Mum I want to make everything alright for my kids even if they are all grown up..
It hurts when some people no longer contact me because they don't know what to say to me so they avoid me like I don't exist. I feel like shouting at them "I'M NOT DEAD YET!" I've always been honest about the illness and don't mind if people have questions. I realise that not everybody will deal with something like cancer as openly with me but I don't like it when some people treat me like a leper. They won't catch it, I will not drop dead in front of them, I don't go to pieces very often and its usually only with my close friends.
Even with my friends I have to choose who I cry to as some feel uncomfortable so I have learnt who to turn to when I have particular needs. One friend I laugh and joke with but doesnt know what to say when I cry (like I said before all I need is a hug) I can't always be expected to look on the bright side. Another friend will just hold me, listen to my fears, cry with me. Sometimes this friend will just hold me and say nothing but just hold me and allow me to cry. I have needed this support more and more recently. There are days when I can't tolerate loud noise, chatter, just peace and quiet and a shoulder to lean on. I know that God holds me spiritually and he loves me but sometimes I need a physical hug.
When I hurt I feel like my body will turn inside out with pain and grief. At these moments it helps if somebody can just gove me a hug because I can't hug myself and im scared I will burst with the physical and emotional pain.
So go and give somebody you know or love a hug, it will mean the world to them and who knows you may even find it beneficial yourself. xx
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