The following is taken from a brochure by We are Macmillan cancer support, booklet The Emotional effects of cancer page 24.. 9th edition 2008.
"When you talk to people with cancer, even the most positive of them will admit to low times when they felt depressed and anxious. NO one can be positive 100% of the time. You don't have to feel on top of things all the time. Being positive doesn't mean always having to feel happy and cheerful. IT'S a positive to acknowledge and talk about your feelings- even when you're feeling tired, worried, depressed or angry.
There may be times when you want to talk about a difficult topic like the chance of the cancer being cured or making a will. Comments about being positive are not always helpful....- in FACT, they can be very upsetting."
If anybody reading this feels they would like any literature or to even talk to somebody then contact MACMILLAN call free on 0808 808 0121 monday-friday 9am-8pm
or visit www.macmillan.org.uk.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
13th March 2012
Hello my friends, sorry haven't been on here in ages. The truth of the matter is that for a couple of weeks have felt very "flat" not depressed but just flat. I didn't want to speak to anybody or go out in public. I wasn't in the mood for people trying to cheer me up with "look on the bright side" attitudes. I just wanted to curl up and watch TV, and get lost within a good book. When my Husband and kids came home I was more than willing to chat to them.
Then Thursday of last week I was sat in my lounge watching TV when I suddenly started crying, my Daughter rushed into the room and asked what was wrong? I honestly didn't know. I just sobbed and sobbed to the point I could barely breath. My friend Sarah came round a bit earlier as we had planned to have lunch together anyway. It was the first time I think that she had ever seen me so upset. Most of the time I am smiley, chatty and upbeat, but I am human and get off days.
On Sunday morning the sun was shining so Chris my hubbie wanted to go out so we drove to my favourite village of Corfe. We had a cup of tea in the national trust cafe. All of a sudden I had the most horrendous hot flush where I was dripping wet. Then once the hot flush had gone I felt cold and wet and then shivery. I asked if we could go home. I then felt awful for spoiling Chris' day out. He put me my garden chair out on the patio and I sat and read a book in the sun. Next thing I know tears are just tumbling down my face. Why? I didn't know.
People see me out and about and comment on how well I look. the doctors say how well I look. the truth is that inside my body is crumbling to a wreck. Every mundane thing tires me out. I told a friend only today that I get dressed in the morning then I need a rest to recover from getting dressed.
I have been ill since 2006 and I am tired and worn out.
But must keep smiling.
:)
I
Then Thursday of last week I was sat in my lounge watching TV when I suddenly started crying, my Daughter rushed into the room and asked what was wrong? I honestly didn't know. I just sobbed and sobbed to the point I could barely breath. My friend Sarah came round a bit earlier as we had planned to have lunch together anyway. It was the first time I think that she had ever seen me so upset. Most of the time I am smiley, chatty and upbeat, but I am human and get off days.
On Sunday morning the sun was shining so Chris my hubbie wanted to go out so we drove to my favourite village of Corfe. We had a cup of tea in the national trust cafe. All of a sudden I had the most horrendous hot flush where I was dripping wet. Then once the hot flush had gone I felt cold and wet and then shivery. I asked if we could go home. I then felt awful for spoiling Chris' day out. He put me my garden chair out on the patio and I sat and read a book in the sun. Next thing I know tears are just tumbling down my face. Why? I didn't know.
People see me out and about and comment on how well I look. the doctors say how well I look. the truth is that inside my body is crumbling to a wreck. Every mundane thing tires me out. I told a friend only today that I get dressed in the morning then I need a rest to recover from getting dressed.
I have been ill since 2006 and I am tired and worn out.
But must keep smiling.
:)
I
Friday, 3 February 2012
3rd February 2012
Sorry haven't been on here for a while as spent over two weeks in the Forest Holme Hospice to get my pain under control. Whilst there I was taken across to the main hospital for my bone scan. The scan showed that the cancer has spread quite a bit especially in my left leg in the femur, there are now also traces in the left cheekbone of my face. It was decided that a large dose of radiotherapy on my femur would help with the pain. meanwhile I was started on an intravenous dia-morphine pump. This seemed to help. Then a week later I was transported across to the main hospital for the radiotherapy.
A week after I'd been admitted to the hospice I was allowed home for a few hours. Just a couple of hours of being at home my Minister had popped by to see me and whilst he was here and I was busy chatting to him I suddenly heard my voice getting more and more slurred and I couldn't keep my eyes open or communicate. I could hear everything people were saying and heard my Minister call my Daughter who was upstairs at the time. My Daughter was amazingly calm and made all the necessary phone calls. In the meantime my best friend Angie turned up. An ambulance was sent out with paramedics. I kept coming in and out of conciousness and at one point one of the paramedics asked me if I was a DNR (Do Not Recussitate) I replied yes. This note was added to my medical notes last November 2011. If and when my heart stops it will because my body is so very tired from fighting the disease then trying to restart my heart would not acheive anything other than keep me alive probably in a comatosed state for a few more weeks. If however I was to fall over and stop breathing then I am entitled to be recussitated as it would have been the fall and not the cancer who caused it.
Anyway after what seemed like ages I was loaded onto the ambulance. The paramedics were amazing and took me back to the Forest Holme. I can't keep telling people enough just how wonderful the medical team at FHH are. They help to make the atmosphere cheery and treat each person who enters the building with warm caring attitude. Whilst I stayed there this time I was on a small ward of 4 ladies. I made a few friends but was also sad to witness some pass away. I was deeply moved at how the nurses reacted to each patient that passed away. After comforting the family a nurse stayed with the patient and as they changed them into clean clothing I could hear the nurse telling the patient exactly what she was doing, even though this patient was no longer with us. On telling my Husband about this I cried as I said it brought me comfort knowing that when my time comes that I will be treated with kindness and dignity.
I am so glad to be back home but had a very moving time in the Hospice, meeting wonderful people somw of whom I will continue to have contact with. A lot of people see and hear the word Hospice and are frightened thinking only of death. But in actual fact to me and my family the hospice has meant helping us to live our life without pain enabling us to go about as normal as possible. So to us Hospice means LIFE as well as Death.
A week after I'd been admitted to the hospice I was allowed home for a few hours. Just a couple of hours of being at home my Minister had popped by to see me and whilst he was here and I was busy chatting to him I suddenly heard my voice getting more and more slurred and I couldn't keep my eyes open or communicate. I could hear everything people were saying and heard my Minister call my Daughter who was upstairs at the time. My Daughter was amazingly calm and made all the necessary phone calls. In the meantime my best friend Angie turned up. An ambulance was sent out with paramedics. I kept coming in and out of conciousness and at one point one of the paramedics asked me if I was a DNR (Do Not Recussitate) I replied yes. This note was added to my medical notes last November 2011. If and when my heart stops it will because my body is so very tired from fighting the disease then trying to restart my heart would not acheive anything other than keep me alive probably in a comatosed state for a few more weeks. If however I was to fall over and stop breathing then I am entitled to be recussitated as it would have been the fall and not the cancer who caused it.
Anyway after what seemed like ages I was loaded onto the ambulance. The paramedics were amazing and took me back to the Forest Holme. I can't keep telling people enough just how wonderful the medical team at FHH are. They help to make the atmosphere cheery and treat each person who enters the building with warm caring attitude. Whilst I stayed there this time I was on a small ward of 4 ladies. I made a few friends but was also sad to witness some pass away. I was deeply moved at how the nurses reacted to each patient that passed away. After comforting the family a nurse stayed with the patient and as they changed them into clean clothing I could hear the nurse telling the patient exactly what she was doing, even though this patient was no longer with us. On telling my Husband about this I cried as I said it brought me comfort knowing that when my time comes that I will be treated with kindness and dignity.
I am so glad to be back home but had a very moving time in the Hospice, meeting wonderful people somw of whom I will continue to have contact with. A lot of people see and hear the word Hospice and are frightened thinking only of death. But in actual fact to me and my family the hospice has meant helping us to live our life without pain enabling us to go about as normal as possible. So to us Hospice means LIFE as well as Death.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
12th January 2012
Sorry I haven't been on here for a while. I've not felt too well for a couple of weeks and my Husband Chris has had to call out a Doctor or a nurse in the middle of the night to adminster morphine by injection to ease my pain. The pain is getting increasingly worse and i'm having to take more pain relief before I feel comfortable.
Over the weekend my local Hospice offered me a bed for a few days to get the pain under control, but i declined as I wanted to be at home. My palliative care consultant has upped my pain meds, so I'd rather be at home taking pain meds than at hospital. Having said that the staff at the Forest Holme Hospice are absolute angels and I can't praise them enough.
On the subject of the Hospice there are many ways of helping to raise money for the Forest Holme Hospice to help make patients staymore comfortable and also for their loved ones who spend so much time there.
A) you can save the posted stamps off your letters and post them to "THE FUNDRAISING OFFICE, FRIENDS OF FOREST HOLME, 5 SELDOWN ROAD, POOLE, DORSET, BH15.1TS.
B) if you would like to send somebody flowers you could consider going through "Charity Flowers. on www.charityflowers.co.uk by buying flowers from this company and clicking on Forest Holme as your desired charity they will donate 15% to the Hospice. I have used this service several times and they are very good.
C) go onto Forest Holme Website which is www.friendsofforestholme.org.uk where you will find other ways to donate.
I am collecting postage stamps as I think why throw them out when they can raise money for something so worthwhile. I have to visit the Forest Holme hospice on a regular basis and they care for me so very well. It doesnt feel like a hospital inside but more homely. A lot of these "homely" items are there because of donations.
Thank you.
x
Over the weekend my local Hospice offered me a bed for a few days to get the pain under control, but i declined as I wanted to be at home. My palliative care consultant has upped my pain meds, so I'd rather be at home taking pain meds than at hospital. Having said that the staff at the Forest Holme Hospice are absolute angels and I can't praise them enough.
On the subject of the Hospice there are many ways of helping to raise money for the Forest Holme Hospice to help make patients staymore comfortable and also for their loved ones who spend so much time there.
A) you can save the posted stamps off your letters and post them to "THE FUNDRAISING OFFICE, FRIENDS OF FOREST HOLME, 5 SELDOWN ROAD, POOLE, DORSET, BH15.1TS.
B) if you would like to send somebody flowers you could consider going through "Charity Flowers. on www.charityflowers.co.uk by buying flowers from this company and clicking on Forest Holme as your desired charity they will donate 15% to the Hospice. I have used this service several times and they are very good.
C) go onto Forest Holme Website which is www.friendsofforestholme.org.uk where you will find other ways to donate.
I am collecting postage stamps as I think why throw them out when they can raise money for something so worthwhile. I have to visit the Forest Holme hospice on a regular basis and they care for me so very well. It doesnt feel like a hospital inside but more homely. A lot of these "homely" items are there because of donations.
Thank you.
x
Sunday, 1 January 2012
1st January 2012
Happy New Year to everybody.
My new year started off a bit miserable. I was awake most of the night with terrible pain in my bones. Chris gave me extra doses of Oramorph (liquid morphine) but the pain did not subside. About 6am Chris called the out of hours Doctor. The Doctor came and upped my doseage of pain killers. The pain eased off a bit but continued with a certain amount. I was unable to get dressed as felt washed out from all the drugs so i spent the day in my pyjamas and dressing gown. I have kept dozing off all day.
Both Chris and I are tired as this is the second night without sleep because of my pain. Friday night Chris had to ring the Hospice for advice and also spoke to the Doctor.
As soon as i was able I phoned my Minister to ask him to pray for me. Whenever I get a lot of pain I ask for prayer as I know this helps. It gives me a peace which helps me cope with the pain or whatever i'm going through.
My new year started off a bit miserable. I was awake most of the night with terrible pain in my bones. Chris gave me extra doses of Oramorph (liquid morphine) but the pain did not subside. About 6am Chris called the out of hours Doctor. The Doctor came and upped my doseage of pain killers. The pain eased off a bit but continued with a certain amount. I was unable to get dressed as felt washed out from all the drugs so i spent the day in my pyjamas and dressing gown. I have kept dozing off all day.
Both Chris and I are tired as this is the second night without sleep because of my pain. Friday night Chris had to ring the Hospice for advice and also spoke to the Doctor.
As soon as i was able I phoned my Minister to ask him to pray for me. Whenever I get a lot of pain I ask for prayer as I know this helps. It gives me a peace which helps me cope with the pain or whatever i'm going through.
Friday, 30 December 2011
30th December 2011
Feeling quite crabby and grumpy as spent the afternoon at the hospital in orthapaedics having X-rays on both legs and pelvis to check surgery done earlier this year. The X-rays were to compare with those done a few months ago and to see if the cancer in the bones of that area has spread. The X-rays were painful as they lay me on each side on a special x-ray board and the edge of the board sat right across my thigh where the metal work is.
The news was good as the X-rays showed no new increase in legs from cancer. We told however that X-rays only show up large tumours and if i continue to get the pain that i would need a bone or MRI scan as they detect smaller tumours and cells.
Whilst I was waiting in limited space area for X-ray a woman with a young child came and sat right next to me to the point she was touching me. the little girl kept coughing and sneezing over me she was also scratching. then the mother asked the Nurse what chickenpox looked like as her daughter was covered. The nurse looked and said it could be chicken pox. At that point I mentioned to the nurse that I am on chemo and my immune system is still low. The nurse immediately took me to aother area to sit and wait. She the said to me that she couldnt't believe some people and couodnt believe that the woman had brought her child with a snotty cold and a rash into where there are vunerable patients.
I have pain where i had to lay on the hard table and x-ray boards. All my family are rejoicing that the cancer hasnt spread as far as they are able to tell. And I am in pain from the tests. At the moment I don't feel happy I feel fed up from being prodded and pulled around. I've had a whole year of it. This time last year I was rushed into hospital seriously ill and needed emergency surgery and spent New Years Eve in hospital and the following three weeks. Since then I've had two more major operations and chemo, not to mention the time spent in the Hospice to get the terrible pain under control.
I get days when I feel a bit low and it was during a time like this that somebody who I thought was a friend told me that by saying some of the things I was saying that I was trying to nullify their prayers for my perfect healing. Of course I want to live, I want to grow old with my Husband. I look on life as precious and not to be messed with. I just get days when I feel low from the terrible physical pain I have to endure. Its easy for somebody to judge how another is managing an illness, but I think so far I've managed this year pretty well. My family who don't all share my Faith get very hurt and cross by people who think its their right to judge how I am facing this. To ths person I would say, its not them who is holding me when im screaming from pain in the middle of the night, its not them who is comforting my kids from seeing me so ill, its not them who helps me out of bed each morning and some days help me get dressed. It IS BECAUSE of people like them that my family don't go to Church Like I've said before God is our judge, not man, anybody who think they are more spiritual than another are standing in judgement and will be judged by God above.
The news was good as the X-rays showed no new increase in legs from cancer. We told however that X-rays only show up large tumours and if i continue to get the pain that i would need a bone or MRI scan as they detect smaller tumours and cells.
Whilst I was waiting in limited space area for X-ray a woman with a young child came and sat right next to me to the point she was touching me. the little girl kept coughing and sneezing over me she was also scratching. then the mother asked the Nurse what chickenpox looked like as her daughter was covered. The nurse looked and said it could be chicken pox. At that point I mentioned to the nurse that I am on chemo and my immune system is still low. The nurse immediately took me to aother area to sit and wait. She the said to me that she couldnt't believe some people and couodnt believe that the woman had brought her child with a snotty cold and a rash into where there are vunerable patients.
I have pain where i had to lay on the hard table and x-ray boards. All my family are rejoicing that the cancer hasnt spread as far as they are able to tell. And I am in pain from the tests. At the moment I don't feel happy I feel fed up from being prodded and pulled around. I've had a whole year of it. This time last year I was rushed into hospital seriously ill and needed emergency surgery and spent New Years Eve in hospital and the following three weeks. Since then I've had two more major operations and chemo, not to mention the time spent in the Hospice to get the terrible pain under control.
I get days when I feel a bit low and it was during a time like this that somebody who I thought was a friend told me that by saying some of the things I was saying that I was trying to nullify their prayers for my perfect healing. Of course I want to live, I want to grow old with my Husband. I look on life as precious and not to be messed with. I just get days when I feel low from the terrible physical pain I have to endure. Its easy for somebody to judge how another is managing an illness, but I think so far I've managed this year pretty well. My family who don't all share my Faith get very hurt and cross by people who think its their right to judge how I am facing this. To ths person I would say, its not them who is holding me when im screaming from pain in the middle of the night, its not them who is comforting my kids from seeing me so ill, its not them who helps me out of bed each morning and some days help me get dressed. It IS BECAUSE of people like them that my family don't go to Church Like I've said before God is our judge, not man, anybody who think they are more spiritual than another are standing in judgement and will be judged by God above.
Monday, 26 December 2011
27th December 2011
Had a wonderful Christmas with family, although was touched by sadness that Chris' Dad Donald wasn't with us this year. Christmas Eve we gathered at Mum's as usual because it would have been Dads birthday. Christmas Day My Parents, Chris' Mum, Chris' Sister and Nephew joined us four for the day. My Son James cooked us the most delicious Christmas dinner and everybody helped clear up afterwards. I was a lady of leisure. It was strange not to do anything on the day as I'm used to being in the kitchen.
Boxing Day: Had a restful day, woke at 11am when Chris brought my tablets and a cup of tea up to me. I got up and just rested by watching TV. Then at 11.30pm after we had gone to bed the bone pain started. Chris got me some painkillers and I tried to sleep but the pain just got worse so I got up and am writing on here. My little cat Lenny seems to know I'm in pain and has curled up on my lap exactly over where the worst of the pain is, meaning I have a living heat pad on my bones. I think animals are amazing the way they sense things. Another of Gods amazing creations.
Boxing Day: Had a restful day, woke at 11am when Chris brought my tablets and a cup of tea up to me. I got up and just rested by watching TV. Then at 11.30pm after we had gone to bed the bone pain started. Chris got me some painkillers and I tried to sleep but the pain just got worse so I got up and am writing on here. My little cat Lenny seems to know I'm in pain and has curled up on my lap exactly over where the worst of the pain is, meaning I have a living heat pad on my bones. I think animals are amazing the way they sense things. Another of Gods amazing creations.
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